Monday, September 24, 2012

Welp, I officially hate the pill.

“The Pill,” you are a fucking pill. Did you know that? You are one fucking son of a bitch. You are supposed to ease my mind from pregnancy and the possibility of “becoming a statistic” status… and maybe clear up those pesky chin pimples that arrive once a month. Maybe that’s asking too much.

But you know you do cause, Pill? You can nausea, mood changes, headaches, and feelings of tiredness and depression. And depression it has caused. Fucking boatloads of it.

That shit hit me like a train.

When all of a sudden you can’t thoroughly enjoy a ridiculously overpriced cookie that looks like an exact replica of the iPad 2, without sobbing all over the painted “app” icing… you are fucking depressed. Or maybe that’s just how I realize that I’m fucking depressed in my good ol’ noggin.

Side note: I am pointing at my “noggin” as I write this. Which leaves me with only one hand to type with. The left one. The left one doesn’t seem to be as coordinated as the right. I am not surprised.

But in all seriousness, that was not a pleasant experience. The confusion was the worst, just having no clue why you were so sad and angry and tired alllllll day, everyday day was scary. And if you know me, for the most part, I’m a very happy person. I usually can find the humor in my awkwardly awkward life. But this I couldn’t handle. This was a feeling that I just knew, wasn’t really me. I didn’t even want to eat. I DIDN’T EVEN WANT TO EAT.

Now, how did I figure out that this was being caused by the pill? After a week of this mentally debilitating state, I got on the Googles. Actually wait, no. FIRST, I finally fucking read the paper the doctor gave me about the pill.

I do this thing where I never read instructions/warranties/pamphlets about things my body will ingest and could potential cause sudden depression. It’s of my biggest character flaws.

Supposedly, the depression is caused because your body is not used to the rapid amount of hormones now circulating and shit all up in your who-hah and shit. Their words, not mine. It only lasts for about a couple of weeks, which is usually the amount of time it takes for your body to adjust, but in some cases it can cause severe depression.

Once I realized I had a tangible reason for these feelings, the depression literally just lifted off of my shoulders….and I made a pizza. A big one.

And of course, after scaring the shit out of my mother (and a few other people that I still need to call) I called her and told her the liberating news.

“Well I could have told you that. I was depressed for a year on the pill.”

“Why didn’t you tell me?!”

“I definitely did.”

“Oh… how did you get the depression to stop?”

“I got off the pill.”

“It’s going to make you fat, too.”

“God dammit. How much?”

“Like ten pounds.”

“Damnit! My body frame can’t handle 10 extra pounds!”

“I know.”


  1. I am not on the pill, as my tendency towards migraines apparently makes me a high risk for stroke. I am on Nuva Ring. I used to worry and stress that a guy would get freaked out, not knowing what that little ring was, and would assume I was storing silly bands in my vagina. i have never had this issue. Instead, it was the gynecologist who, after a very strange face, asked me what this plastic thing was. Confidence in his medical abilities....I did not have it.

  2. I discovered this phenomenon, too. Life got better instantly off the pill. Still waiting to lose those ten (or fifteen) pounds, though...

  3. Wait what? I can blame the pill for my chub? Man. If I wasn't such a huge fan of not being pregnant and already in the habit, I'd consider swapping methods.

  4. I was on the pill for almost a decade when a doctor told me that I shouldn't have ever been on the pill because I get migraines with auras (Psychofab, you only need worry if you get auras). So without giving me time to actually research the side effects, this woman shoved the Depo shot into my arm. 3 months and 30 FRIGGIN' POUNDS later...I decided that female birth control wasn't worth the trouble. Ugh.

  5. I like to think that being gay has liberated at least 100 women from having to take the pill while fornicating with me. (I'm hot, y'all.) Except that there is absolutely zero logic behind that statement.

    The pill is a bastard, you should get off of it. It isn't good for you and you are probably safer taking chances with just condoms or some other kind of birth control. Hormonal birth control should be outlawed.

  6. The pill(the whole alphabet of them) and the hormone coil made 15 years of my life pure hell. Then the experts and doctors decided I needed to go through a surgical procedure called N.E.A.S. because of my anemia. It was friggin' torture. They fried the inside of my womb out with electricity. I can't recommend it to anyone, although it did take care of the problem. Nothing can exist in my womb anymore, not even blood

  7. There are better ways than the pill anyway....

  8. I thought the pill made you depressed because it keeps you from getting pregnant by tricking your body into thinking it already is pregnant. Follow me on the crooked path to an explanation. Your body is wise to this trick, so it decided that if you're going to pretend to be pregnant, you might as well look that way, so it makes you pack on the pounds. And then for good measure, makes you depressed because deep down, your body is really disappointed in you for pretending to be something that you're not.

  9. I like Weird's explanation - however, stick it out for a few weeks and then see if you want to come off it - condoms work just so far for birth control and you should be insisting on their use anyway for STD's. Thanks for your comment on my blog - must have given you a shock! I'm just a craft blogger. Love blog land though. I assume you found me through Bloggess?

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  11. IUD is where its at. I don't have any kids and I still got it. There's no hormones making me crazier than I already am and its good for like 10 million years (ok not really). Plus, watching that pill/patch/depo/etc birth control weight drop off was DEEEEElightful.

  12. I always used condoms but eventually I said fudge it why not try the shot. Bad bad bad bad bad bad idea. I was already prone to break outs, weight problems and depression it increased all those viciously. My moods were like the devil swapped bodies with me...I literally was almost dumped from my mood switching. When I went back to the dr to go over other bc options the nurse was like "yeah people have complained about all the problems you described" then why the fuck do they still give this to people. It took months for the shot to wear off. Once I got a period again I got the pop pills its a lower dose horomone. Its been working for me. I've always experienced depression but this method hasn't had a negative effect on my mood.

  13. I hated the pill the first couple months, but then things got better and I like it for about 5 years. I switched to the IUD because it's more effective and better for my medical issues. LOVE IT!!!

  14. I dropped the pills a couple of years ago for Mirena. I was actually mad at my doc for not suggesting the switch earlier. Life is miraculous now! No mood swings, no periods, no weight gain, no crying jags. I seriously wish I had discovered this (actually, that it had even been available) in my 20's. Talk to your doc about it. The pill is so 20th century!

  15. Mh, I had huge issues with the pill (one of them shot my cholesterol levels skywards at the age of 18!), but I've finally found one that works wonderfully.
    If you're still having side-effects, try a new one. Yaz/Yasmin seems to have the least side-effects, but it depends from person to person. There's some newer generation stuff out too, that has only two placebos and so on,and it's supposed to be wonderful, though I haven't tried it myself yet.

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