1. When people say shit like, “No regrets!” “Never live with regrets ya’ll!” “I’ll never regret any decision I’ve ever made….ever!” Really? You don’t have a single regret? Ummm….yeah…I’m calling bullshit on that one….
…because I’m pretty sure you regret whatever you did last night or I wouldn’t have awkwardly run into you at the local CVS pharmacy picking up your weekly prescription of plan B now would I?
“You know it’s only one pill now.”
“Oh is it?”
“Yeah…no regrets…”
2. Those god damn mother-fucking “CO-EXIST” stickers that I see on every god damn liberal hippie douches Datsun. That’s not even an eco-friendly car. Jesus Christ. I swear to god, it just has the fucking word “sun” in it, so now you think it’s all pro-environment. Who isn’t pro-environment?! Oh wait…I’m not.
…I swear to God there must be requirements to buy this fucking sticker.
“Do you have dreadlocks?”
“Yes.”
“Do you shave your legs?”
“Only in the summer.”
“Close enough…you are now the proud owner of the douchiest, of the douchiest bumper stickers.”
“Will some pale pseudo-ginger whose awkwardly cute come and kick the back of my car now?”
“Oh absolutely.”
…and I will (and have), too.
3. Nature.
….not a fan.
4. People who buy PBR because and say, “I buy it because I like the taste, not because I'm an annoying hipster wearing glasses with no lenses in them while I'm telling you why I but PBR in a condescending manner.”
….douche.
5. People who like, no…looooooooooooove nature.
…douche(s).
6. People who don’t understand that there is an imaginary line separating your seat from there seat on the MEGABUS.
…there is an imaginary line separating your seat from my seat on the Megabus! So get your fat ass off the god damn imaginary line!
7. Running.
…I’m pretty sure running is the root of all evil.
8. Orange juice.
…stop being such a sour bitch, orange juice. No seriously, if you weren’t so fucking sour I’d probably like you.
9. People who have never tasted a Zero Bar before.
…Go straight to hell, I say! STRAIGHT. TO. HELL.
10. This whole, “no pants, no service” policy.
…look, sometimes I don’t want to put pants on…and sometimes I want to buy a couple of forties sans pants. And let’s be honest here…don’t the two go hand-in-hand really? I really hope your nodding your head because you agree and not because you are trying to distract me from the fact that you are calling the police. I applaud your effort, but I really want that fucking forty now, cashier lady-man!
LOVE the PBR one. Seriously? There is no taste. Just buy the stupid water in the fanciest bottle possible and go be pretentious somewhere else.
ReplyDeleteI think orange juice is acidic and disgusting. It makes me break out. Totally overrated breakfast drink.
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I've really missed you. I know that it has been like, two years since I have been on your blog but I am so glad to see you are still here, and I am going to be back all the time :)
ReplyDeleteMiss you.
And I LOVED the coexist one. I roll my eyes EVERY single time I see that fucking sticker.
Also, I am really glad to see that you still dont have the stupid fucking captcha things on here. Remember your post about those? Well I do. I fucking hate them and they have gotten even worse lately.
ReplyDeleteYou and I share the same hatred for just about everything, although i'll throw a few more in:
ReplyDelete1. People who listen to country music
2. People who consider themselves "Cowboys" or "Cowgirls" yet live in a major city and/or don't play for the football team.
3. People who "Dirtbike", "Go mudding", "Hunting" or "Offroading".
who hasn't tasted a zero bar? I don't want to know these people. Let the native americans live whereever they want, put zero bar virgins on reservations.
ReplyDeleteyou should blog everyday. You know what I hate? when you don't write. suck on that.
Running is the root of all evil. I've been saying this for years.
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