Any who, enjoy. Tell me it's hilarious. Or not. My self esteem could gain to lose a few points. Now excuse my while I cry in the corner of my bathroom while I await for constructive feedback.
How’s that search for your soul mate
going? Just swimming in a pool of seemingly perfect bachelor’s, aren’t you?
Yeah, I didn’t think so. So why don’t we
take a quick peak at your past lovah’s. You should probably grab a beer before
you read any further. And hide your phone so you don’t send any
nasty/desperate/sexual texts to the past assholes you dated. Ready? Ready!
Let’s look at the facts:
1. Remember
that perfect guy you dated a few weeks/months/never ago?
Was he really that
perfect? Or were you completely out of his league and yet he somehow found a
way to passive-aggressively make you feel inadequate in every way possible?
Let’s not forget that all of your mutual friends were completely confused about
how he wasn’t worshipping your ass to make sure you never leave his pathetic
pipe dream of a life. He also never shaved, like ever. At first you were
attracted to his mountain beard, it was all mountainy and shit. But then you
had sex with him. And you realized that the same maintenance he practiced on his
face-beard, was also the same up-keep he used on his dick-beard. Yeah…that
was real fun wasn’t it?
2. Remember
how mature that perfect guy you dated a few weeks/months/never ago was?
How his band
“Hokey Religions Mashed With Anthrax Graves” was going to make it big?! But not
“big” in the conventional sense of being successful, because a “band that is
commercially successful is a band that sold out on all their musical beliefs
and should rot in hell for such blasphemy, Natalie!” Remember
how his apartment/bed-sheets/pants smelled of weed and flatulence? Not that you
don’t like the smell of weed (we all love a good toke-up from time to time) but
when it’s combined with the putrid aroma of flatulence and dick, well, well
that’s just fucking gross.
3. Remember
how dumb that perfect guy you dated a few weeks/months/never ago was?
Yeah. He was
fucking stupid. Don’t even pretend like he wasn’t. He told you, you weren’t
funny because he was too stupid to comprehend the inner workings of your
well-timed black joke! STUPID! He was
so dumb you wouldn’t even date him, let alone muster up some spare time to be
around him sober. In all honesty, this particular dude was just ridiculously
hot, basically the complete opposite of the dude from #1, but you hated his general
being (with the exception of his penis, for obvious reasons). Of course the hot
dumb guy you hate with a passion was great at sex. You know the world is not a
fair place based on that fact alone.
4. You
are an intimidating, classy, fine-ass, lady woman.
That fact alone, will
keep many a men away from you and your fine lady ass. Which yes, seems so ass
backwards, but for some reason when you are an attractive, successful and smart
female, men that are worth your time never seem to be able to muster up any
sort of courage to talk to you. And if they are that cowardly, do you really
want them in your life anyway? Absolutely not. Yet for some odd
reason, greasers, white trash and emotionally unavailable men with crazy-ass
pipe dreams will always be knocking at your door. You will allow them into your
life, too, because at this point, why the fucking hell not?
But I say nay,
ladies! NAY! You are a classy, fine-ass, lady woman, with thought-provoking thoughts
about why certain condiments are better than others and why pants that consist
of both buttons and zippers are too constricting for the female body. You also have the uncanny ability to
chug Irish car bombs quicker than your heterosexual male counterpart. You are
fucking catch, god damnit! Now start treating yourself like one. No more
of this douchey douche-baggery mucking up your love life.
I'll buy this. For sure
ReplyDeletePlease keep writing this!! I'm hooked and need to purcase this right fucking now.
ReplyDeleteKeep going!
ReplyDeleteIf you want me to blow smoke up your ass, it's fucking brilliant and I want to print it out so I can rub it all over my lady parts.
ReplyDeleteIf you'd like some constructive criticism, the subject that you're talking to is a little confusing. Are you talking to me? Because there are too many specifics in there for me to believe that you're talking to me, so it's hard to connect in a way that it feels like we're having a girl-to-girl talk. Unless you're doing a "Dear me, You're awesome. Love, me," type conversation with yourself. As someone who reads your blog, I can totally buy that, but the reader needs to know that. And maybe they do. Maybe this is Chapter 2 and in Chapter 1 you explained the concept so that retards like me wouldn't get confused but I'm an ass who skimmed Chapter 1 because I wanted to get to the good part in Chapter 4 where you wait up for a guy smeared in Hellman's and missed the convention. I don't know. Just some thoughts.
But I totally want to read more.
I want to read more !
ReplyDeleteStuff like this will almost get you a full jar of mayo...just sayin'
ReplyDeletemore please
ReplyDelete