Any who, enjoy. Tell me it's hilarious. Or not. My self esteem could gain to lose a few points. Now excuse my while I cry in the corner of my bathroom while I await for constructive feedback.
How’s that search for your soul mate going? Just swimming in a pool of seemingly perfect bachelor’s, aren’t you? Yeah, I didn’t think so. So why don’t we take a quick peak at your past lovah’s. You should probably grab a beer before you read any further. And hide your phone so you don’t send any nasty/desperate/sexual texts to the past assholes you dated. Ready? Ready!
Let’s look at the facts:
1. Remember that perfect guy you dated a few weeks/months/never ago?
Was he really that perfect? Or were you completely out of his league and yet he somehow found a way to passive-aggressively make you feel inadequate in every way possible? Let’s not forget that all of your mutual friends were completely confused about how he wasn’t worshipping your ass to make sure you never leave his pathetic pipe dream of a life. He also never shaved, like ever. At first you were attracted to his mountain beard, it was all mountainy and shit. But then you had sex with him. And you realized that the same maintenance he practiced on his face-beard, was also the same up-keep he used on his dick-beard. Yeah…that was real fun wasn’t it?
2. Remember how mature that perfect guy you dated a few weeks/months/never ago was?
How his band “Hokey Religions Mashed With Anthrax Graves” was going to make it big?! But not “big” in the conventional sense of being successful, because a “band that is commercially successful is a band that sold out on all their musical beliefs and should rot in hell for such blasphemy, Natalie!” Remember how his apartment/bed-sheets/pants smelled of weed and flatulence? Not that you don’t like the smell of weed (we all love a good toke-up from time to time) but when it’s combined with the putrid aroma of flatulence and dick, well, well that’s just fucking gross.
3. Remember how dumb that perfect guy you dated a few weeks/months/never ago was?
Yeah. He was fucking stupid. Don’t even pretend like he wasn’t. He told you, you weren’t funny because he was too stupid to comprehend the inner workings of your well-timed black joke! STUPID! He was so dumb you wouldn’t even date him, let alone muster up some spare time to be around him sober. In all honesty, this particular dude was just ridiculously hot, basically the complete opposite of the dude from #1, but you hated his general being (with the exception of his penis, for obvious reasons). Of course the hot dumb guy you hate with a passion was great at sex. You know the world is not a fair place based on that fact alone.
4. You are an intimidating, classy, fine-ass, lady woman.
That fact alone, will keep many a men away from you and your fine lady ass. Which yes, seems so ass backwards, but for some reason when you are an attractive, successful and smart female, men that are worth your time never seem to be able to muster up any sort of courage to talk to you. And if they are that cowardly, do you really want them in your life anyway? Absolutely not. Yet for some odd reason, greasers, white trash and emotionally unavailable men with crazy-ass pipe dreams will always be knocking at your door. You will allow them into your life, too, because at this point, why the fucking hell not?
But I say nay, ladies! NAY! You are a classy, fine-ass, lady woman, with thought-provoking thoughts about why certain condiments are better than others and why pants that consist of both buttons and zippers are too constricting for the female body. You also have the uncanny ability to chug Irish car bombs quicker than your heterosexual male counterpart. You are fucking catch, god damnit! Now start treating yourself like one. No more of this douchey douche-baggery mucking up your love life.