I’m 24 today. That just feels weird to say. I know it’s not
old, but I have to admit I’m definitely in the midst of a mid-life crisis.
It hasn’t been fun. No one likes to deal with the bad shit
about themselves, we hide that for as long as we can until something or someone
reveals every shortcoming in our lives and we are forced to inevitably deal
with it.
Today also marks the one-year anniversary of me moving to
NYC. Yep, I moved up on my birthday. Fun, I know.
It was filled with 7 hours of traffic, Chinese food and my
dad continuously yelling, “Yeah, Natalie.
Let’s not take Spanish in high school
like your father suggested. Oh nooooooooooooo, let’s take German. Cause you are
definitely going to end up in German Harlem one day. Yep, you’re never going to
live in a place called Spanish Harlem. Oh no, that’s just stupid.”
Have I grown since my last birthday? Matured? Absolutely
not. Which is disheartening to say the least. I’m glad I’m still the same
person, but come on. I need to grow the fuck up.
I’m wasted my time.
My first year here, I spent 11 months obsessing about a boy
that was obviously unattainable. Barely worked on my book that I’ve been
approached by a successful writer to help me with. Spent too much money on
alcohol, Papa John’s pizza and mayo. Made fun of hipsters. Had too much
emotionless sex. Lost track of my goals in life. Accidently dyed my hair
purple. Cried in central park, multiple times…. before realizing my Ray Bans
were in my purse and I could hide the tears, but not the atrocious sobs that
seemed to be coming out of my throat. I’m still a nanny with a college degree
in journalism. And I’m completely lost.
I’m not trying to give you a sob story. Believe me, all of
this is very embarrassing for me to admit to. Where’s the joke, you’re wondering.
Sadly, the joke is my life.
I fucked up. I’ve done everything wrong. Everything I told
myself I wouldn’t do. And now I’m lost, and have no clue where to really start
over.
It scares me how easy it is to distract me from my own life.
And even more so how easily I can hide my emotions. A random fact, I know, but
a big part of my life that is affecting me in more ways than I can handle at
the moment.
God, I sound like such a whiny little bitch. But it’s my
fucking birthday so I can do whatever the fuck I want.
I guess right now for me, the first step is to calm the fuck
down and stop trying to force shit to happen in my life.
For once I don’t really have a plan, and I think that’s good
for me. Or the worst idea ever. But I guess I’ll find out soon enough.
Dude, you're living a dream I wanted for myself when I was 24. You're in the city of cities, writing, and living your life on your terms. You, my friend, are a damn bad ass!
ReplyDeleteHappy Birthday. I admire your spunk and your talent. Please keep writing and keep living the way you want to. You're young, You're supposed to be screwing up right now. It makes the book better.
Happy Birthday
Happy Birthday Badass!!!! Cry if you want to! Eat pizza! With Mayo, if you want. Fuck, eat Chinese with mayo! In Central Park, while you cry!! Then say, To heel with this! It's Mah Birfday bitch! Then tell random strangers to buy you presents!
ReplyDeleteHappy Birthday! I have learned that things don't happen as we plan.. unfortunately. I would say just take it a day at a time. As far as the book goes, I am in the same position, I was going to be published by now, and I just have a load of shit. I just say keep drinking ! No really, things will get on with themselves, just live.
ReplyDeleteNatalie! Please read the book One Day by Dave Nichols. Please.
ReplyDeleteFuck, this brought me back to my 24th. I definitely did a lot of crying, alone, in a random park, then proceeded to drink a bottle of red wine and go to the movie theatre where I sobbed watching the five year engagement. Point is, a lot of us have been there.
You're the real winner here though. You got out of Stafford. You didn't let yourself become a product of suburbia and you have the courage to not do the same fucking thing everyone else does when they graduate.
If it makes you feel better, just remember there's a mess of a girl out in Australia (or are we women now?)who really knows how to fuck everything up. If Grundmann could see us now.
-Tina
DUDE! I know exactly what you mean. I'm 24 and have totally wasted my college experience resulting in little more than a lot of debt. And I'm hitting a similar midlife crisis because this simply just can't last at all. Finaid is entirely gone and I'm trying to make college work long enough to just graduate. It's bleak so far but exactly what i deserve... I've been here 6 fucking years! And so not a doctor. So not anything but a lowly undergrad with 28 more credit hours to burn through on my own dime and much loan debt waiting for me when I do get my stupid piece of paper. It's good to know I'm not alone in these moments... Thanks for writing.
ReplyDeleteHappy late birthday!
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