I’m 24 today. That just feels weird to say. I know it’s not old, but I have to admit I’m definitely in the midst of a mid-life crisis.
It hasn’t been fun. No one likes to deal with the bad shit about themselves, we hide that for as long as we can until something or someone reveals every shortcoming in our lives and we are forced to inevitably deal with it.
Today also marks the one-year anniversary of me moving to NYC. Yep, I moved up on my birthday. Fun, I know.
It was filled with 7 hours of traffic, Chinese food and my dad continuously yelling, “Yeah, Natalie.
Let’s not take Spanish in high school like your father suggested. Oh nooooooooooooo, let’s take German. Cause you are definitely going to end up in German Harlem one day. Yep, you’re never going to live in a place called Spanish Harlem. Oh no, that’s just stupid.”
Have I grown since my last birthday? Matured? Absolutely not. Which is disheartening to say the least. I’m glad I’m still the same person, but come on. I need to grow the fuck up.
I’m wasted my time.
My first year here, I spent 11 months obsessing about a boy that was obviously unattainable. Barely worked on my book that I’ve been approached by a successful writer to help me with. Spent too much money on alcohol, Papa John’s pizza and mayo. Made fun of hipsters. Had too much emotionless sex. Lost track of my goals in life. Accidently dyed my hair purple. Cried in central park, multiple times…. before realizing my Ray Bans were in my purse and I could hide the tears, but not the atrocious sobs that seemed to be coming out of my throat. I’m still a nanny with a college degree in journalism. And I’m completely lost.
I’m not trying to give you a sob story. Believe me, all of this is very embarrassing for me to admit to. Where’s the joke, you’re wondering. Sadly, the joke is my life.
I fucked up. I’ve done everything wrong. Everything I told myself I wouldn’t do. And now I’m lost, and have no clue where to really start over.
It scares me how easy it is to distract me from my own life. And even more so how easily I can hide my emotions. A random fact, I know, but a big part of my life that is affecting me in more ways than I can handle at the moment.
God, I sound like such a whiny little bitch. But it’s my fucking birthday so I can do whatever the fuck I want.
I guess right now for me, the first step is to calm the fuck down and stop trying to force shit to happen in my life.
For once I don’t really have a plan, and I think that’s good for me. Or the worst idea ever. But I guess I’ll find out soon enough.