“So I took a pregnancy test to calm myself down, and then
got my period two days later.”
“Natalie, why are you telling me this?”
“Because you wanted a close and open relationship with your
daughter and that is what you got, god damnit! And it was stressing me the fuck
out!”
“Don’t say god damnit.”
“Fine.”
“And you are getting on the pill immediately, god damnit!”
“Fine.”
As some of you may know, the pill freaks me the fuck out.
Come on. It hasn’t been around for that long, and quite honestly I don’t think we
know the real side effects of the pill, just yet. So I stick to condoms.
But
I’m catholic, with an irregular period. So basically, every time I have sex…I
think I’m pregnant.
And seeing as my mother put me on speaker phone when we had
this conversation without me knowing, and my father was so lucky to walk into
the room at the “pregnancy test” part of that convo, it has now been decided,
that at the ripe age of 24, it’s time for their only daughter to go on the
pill.
Honestly, I was slightly relieved, until my friend was like,
“Uh, even on the pill you are going to think you are pregnant.”
Well fuck, what’s the point then? I would just like some
peace of mind for once god damnit! Or at least for men to have to carry the
burden of possibly getting pregnant.
Yeah, dudes. You go buy that 3-pack pregnancy test for 18.99
cause you were too cheap to go for the 30-dollar pack but not cheap enough to
go for the store brand pack. And yeah, have the cashier lady who is barely
sixteen look you down from head to toe with that, “Bitch their ain’t no way you
are having sex if you are wearing a t-shirt with a sub shop logo on it,” look
on her face.
And yeah! Then you get defensive and scream, “Well you know
what! I am having sex! Bitch.” To the cashier lady who technically said
absolutely nothing to you besides, “You’re total is 18.99.”
Side note, NYCer’s…. there’s no tax on pregnancy tests.
Score one for the whores!
And another thing! Gentlemen, I am so sick of you all
assuming that we, the ladies, are the ones who are supposed to supply the
condoms. That shit has got to stop. We deal with EVVVVVVVVVVVVVVERYTHING else,
you can cough up a few condoms in return. It’s only fair. Well really, it’s not
fair at all, but for the time being, it will do.
I also can’t pretend like I’m not drunk while writing this…and
Matthew may or may not have just introduced me to Chat Roulette a few hours ago
and I find it fucking hilarious…I know, I know, Chat Roulette is so two years
ago, but I didn’t understand it’s allure then. I have since been corrected.
Any who, the funniest part of this all, is I was told I have
to go on the pill, right after I basically vowed to myself that I need to take
a break from sex. A long break. Not going to lie. I’m kind of sick of it.
This isn’t a, “I need to find myself” moment. Believe me, I
know myself…. Alllllllll too well. This is just a, “I don’t want to have sex”
moment. Cause I don’t want to fucking have sex! I sound so angry as I type
this. I’m not, just drunk. But come on. Am I the first to ever feel this way?
The opportunity’s are there, you just ain’t feeling it. And it’s not them. It’s
you. Which probably isn’t a good sign.
Fuck…and the cat lady transformation begins.
Haha! I'm on the pill and I still get freaked out. Mostly because the only reason I have a little sister is 'cause the pill failed to work. :P
ReplyDeleteIf you get a mild pill, it won't have any serious side effects. I've been on for about three years now. A little weight gain and a strange appetite for peanut butter but nothing else. I hear they're inventing a male pill and as soon as that thing is approved, the boyfriend better prepare himself.
SO over being the one with the responsibilities.
I think I have penis envy. :/
I know that feeling all too well. At least you are going on the pill for you and not some guy. That's why I started going on it. Apparently he, now my ex, didn't want to use condoms anymore, but whatever.
ReplyDeleteJust be sure you read all the instructions and take it the same time each day. And yea, there are times when you still think you can get pregnant, which is why I was anal about it and set an alarm on my cell to go off whenever I needed to take mine.
Girl, I've been reading your blog for FOOOOREEEEVEEEER and now I just have to tell you something.
ReplyDeleteI've been taking the pill religiously since Im 14. Right now Im 14.... weeks pregnant.
Just sayin.
Anyway good luck with it! Im obviously the 0.01%.
And now that you know somebody that the little incident happened to, your chances are greatly diminished. So GO FOR IT! And obviously all the other info you can find in the great World Wide Waste of time ;)
Keep writing your awesome blog.
Dude, not only does the pill prevent pregnancy, (taking it since 18 and not a single scare,) but it also makes my period lighter, (only three days usually,) practically eliminates cramps, (maybe one day of cramps and a single midol kills that,) and oh, yeah, I only have my period four times a year. Seriously, why WOULDN'T you get on the pill?
ReplyDeleteYou're too funny to be a cat lady. And those birth control pills muck up your hormones for years. I love drunk blogging.
ReplyDeleteHaha love this post :)
ReplyDeleteI felt paranoid on the pill all the time because I heard of people who got pregnant while on it but it masked the symptoms for like 5 months...crazy!
Of course, I have had a baby (on purpose) now but man, I was back on the pill as soon as was possible (after a dalliance with breastfeeding - in case the Breastapo want to know) :P
I knew what trouble I could get into!
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ReplyDelete