I’m cute, but that cuteness will only get me so far, seeing as I’m disgusting….and lazy…and weird…and kind of an asshole…and a smidge pathetic….
And for a second I thought maybe that I should reflect on my lesser qualities/philosophies/addiction to mayo and you know…fix that.
…but then Matt handed me a margarita.
Sooooooooo, I started making a list of all my weird shit and it’s bad… like really bad (and sadly all true) ….pretty much… I’m literally wiping out any chance I have of getting laid with this one blog post.
…you’ve been warned.
1. I shave my big toes…they just have these 3 hairs that drive me crazy…and are a bitch to pluck.
2. I hate, hate, hate brushing my teeth…. I really do.
3. Mayo…dollops and dollops of mayo….enough said.
4. KFC Double Down…filled with dollops and dollops of mayo…
5. I’m convinced one day I’m going to be possessed by the devil…or maybe I already am…
6. My dream is to be famous based solely on all the disgusting shit I do… it’s a valid life choice.
7. I often ask myself…. “Why am I not slutty…er?”
8. Fuck flossing.
9. I think all jeans should have an elastic waist-band/spanx/a portable McFlurry maker installed in them.
10. My favorite dessert…hostess mini donuts topped off with a shit ton of vanilla icing fresh out of spray can….but, like 12 of them…in my mouth…at once.
11. My feet smell like fritos (when I don’t wear socks)…I don’t plan on fixing that.
12. My feet also sweat….like…all the time.
13. What does Grade D meat stand for? Damn Delicious meat…that’s what!
14. “Oh…it’s extra, extra, extra mayo girl again…”
15. In the winter I legit don’t shave my legs….it’s the closest I can get to feeling like a man.
16. On second thought… I’m pretty sure I do have a penis….
17. So what exactly is wrong with porn?
18. Fuck fruit.
19. If I had a penis…I wouldn’t wash it….deal with it.
20. One day some dude was staring at me in a truck when I was walking to campus…I screamed…”What the fuck are you looking at?!?”… it was my cousin.
21. I love the smell of chloroform.
22. I use my macbook to write/shield my food boner/conconct mayo masterpieces on….oh and watch porn.
23. I probably won’t care if you thought I was racist…as long as you think I’m pretty.
24. I have a dry head.
25. I like the taste of iron.
26. I just farted.
27. My soul mate is named Bell…Taco Bell.
28. Usually when I think my cell phone is vibrating in my back pocket…it’s just my upper thighs jiggling.
29. I hate nature…like legitimately hate nature.
30. Stereotypes are my favorite pastime….
There’s more…but you know I don’t want you to vomit in your mouth too much…