Well hello, rock bottom. We’ve got to stop meeting like this.
I can’t wait until I’m a fully functioning adult, but to be quite honest I don’t think that day is ever going to come.
I lost my wallet Monday night, because yes that is what happens when you don’t eat anything, drink at the apartment, then go out and drink more at a bar.
You will soon find yourself drunkenly stumbling to a taxi, trying not to hurl in said taxi, stumble to the apartment, hurl in the apartment, have your roommate freak out a little bit because you are not responding from the bathroom (in your defense you are hurling), hug the toilet for 5-10 minutes only to look up at your foot and think, “My big toe is gross,” then wake up in your bed fully clothed and feeling like…oh what’s the word? Shit.
In said wallet, were 3 credit cards, my VA driver’s license, my SOCIAL FUCKING SECURITY CARD…and my Costco card…I know. I know. Fuck.
And the worst part is, this is not the first time this shit has happened. I just don’t think. I bet that’s a fun thing to do…the act of thinking. I bet it feels realllllllllll good in the noggin. But I have never felt that feeling, nor will I ever.
Perfect example: Hours after waking up hung over and feeling like I had sufficiently facebook stalked enough people, I decided to get out of my bed and take a shower.
Then two things happened that I am not proud of. 1. I almost went into the shower with my bra still on, wait let me clarify that…I almost went in with my bright fucking red bra still on, managed to remember to get the undies off…thank god. 2. I then stood in the shower for a couple minutes and literally thought out loud, “Wait, how do I shower again?”
I went to college. I have a college degree. And yet I bring absolutely nothing to society. I will never bring anything of value to society, except to be a constant reminder that you yourself never what to be a rock-bottom bitch like myself.
I guess I should stop trying to be a better part of society and just accept my place.
There is a caste system, ladies and gentleman. And my role will always be at rock bottom.
Well, until you decide it won't be anymore. For what it's worth, I spent my fair share of time hanging out at rock bottom, and I may even visit once a year even now, though to a lesser degree now. But at some point I did (And some day you Will) figure out that I sort of hated feeling like total shit in the morning and dealing with the panic of lost things and drunken texts from the night before. I have faith you will figure it out. In the mean time, load up on coconut water (Read: Hydrate!) and aspirin. And start on cancelling and replacing those cards. (Losing your SS card sucks!) Feel better!
ReplyDeleteHey, you made it home.
ReplyDeleteThere are worse rock bottoms.
And I frequently forget how to do simple everyday tasks too, even when sober.
Seems like you are stuck between a rock bottom and a hard place
ReplyDeleteDude... I feel the same way... just without the pain of a drunken hangover and a lost wallet. But I'm right there too... so... we should form a club. Now accepting name proposals.
ReplyDeleteGood lord, I was a hot mess in college- I'm impressed that I lived through the whole four years. True story. I must admit, I'm a pretty kick ass individual today-however I also contribute nothing to society, unless random rants about hating exercise counts.
ReplyDeleteoh god what its like to be young and stupid. Well the good news is that you won't stay young forever. The stupid I can't help you with. Shooting yourself in the foot enough will eventually disable yourself. Hopefully this won't happen and eventually you learn from your mistakes. I made enough of them in my youth and was blessed enough to survive. Not all of us do. I'm jealous wish I could be young again sometimes. Have fun as much as possible but try to be safe.
ReplyDeleteI have been there. Friends still refuse to fill me in on exactly what happened between 12am and 2am. All I know is that I woke up with another woman's clothes on.
ReplyDelete