Birth control scares the shit out of me and I mean really scares the shit out of me. I pretty much think it’s going to trick me into thinking I’m not pregnant and then 10 months later I’m watching the premiere episode of my belligerently-sassy self, on “I Didn’t Know I Was Pregnant.” Well, either that, or it’s just going to kill me.
We’ve all seen the commercials:
“Have you taken Yaz?”
“Yes…”
“Did you die, yet?”
“No…wait…what the?!”
Now, I’ve never used the pill and I never will, because yes, I think it’s going to kill me. So instead, I use condoms, but those are only 99.99% effective. So, um fuck.
Of course any time I have protected sex, I think I’m pregnant, and my period is so fucked up to begin with, it’s impossible to track.
So instead of being smart and calming the fuck down, I just get on WebMD and cry myself to sleep because WebMD says I’m either pregnant or rabies or that I have a brain tumor that about to explode out of my left earlobe, and at this point of my hysteria, I’ll take the brain tumor.
And for the record, just to make myself sound a little more sane for being freaked out be WedMD's diagnosis for pregnancy, the symptoms they give are basically the same things that happen right before your period. So according to WebMD, you're either about to get your period...or your about to be given the unwanted gift of life.
Sidenote: WebMD is seriously pissing me the fuck off lately!
Now, don’t get me wrong, I’m pro-life, well technically, I’m pro-my life, and a baby would just really mess that shit up right now.
My friends have even offered to take care of my potential “love mistakes” in the past and probably only because they knew I was crazy and that I was not actually pregnant.
So what needs to be done? Well there are a plethora of things that should be done. Like fixing global warming and finding Waldo. But until then I think I'll just drink.
Love your definition of pro-life.
ReplyDeletePretty sure you should just get on the pill. That + condoms = pretty safe.
ReplyDeleteI'm a man and even those commercials make me think I'll die if I'm with a woman on YAZ. Scary stuff, I hope you pull through like a champ!
ReplyDeleteI thought I was pregnant in my very first week of university and subsequently had to skip class to cry in the library's disabled toilet whilst attempting to pee on a stick.
ReplyDeleteWell... you probably won't like this bit of news then... did you hear? Some douche at Pfizer fucked up and they ended up mixing up some placebos with birth control. Scary right?
ReplyDeleteHaha! Nice!
DeleteHa....I like it. I like it a lot. Cheers for a laugh on my hump day...
ReplyDeleteYou know what else the pill does? Stabilizes hormone levels. Even if I were celibate I'd keep taking them just for the hormone regulation.
ReplyDeleteJust a thought.
Actually condoms are only 97% effective darling.
ReplyDeleteBirth control won't kill you, it's a good choice but you have to now what you're getting. If you're scared of it killing you then get a low dose brand. I had the same issue, but it's way safer and better than getting pregnant and gross.
Those commercials make for great boner-killers. "YOU WANT ME TO GET ON THAT? HUH? HUH? JUST SO YOU CAN BONE ME?"
ReplyDeleteHaha. I used to have pregnancy scares - even while happily married and wanting kids one day.I'd take my pill RELIGIOUSLY and if my husband even MENTIONED sex I would be "That reminds me, it's time to take my pill!"
ReplyDeleteAfter having a baby, I had to get myself back on the pill fairly quick smart because my fear of getting pregnant again (and the whole birth thing etc) was overtaking my sexy time urges!
:P
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hahaha This sounds like me. I used to be on the shot (which was nice, until I realized it completely killed my sex drive) and I would make my man use a condom, I would definitely still sit there later on a be like...HOMG WHAT IF?!!!!What if the condom broke and the BC didn't work right and HOMG NO! But then again,I'm a little crazier than most.
ReplyDeleteIn Australia we have "the morning after pill" or at least we did when I was young and a condom broke ....
ReplyDeleteHoly crap. You're hysterical. I too hate webMD. Why the hell would such a website exist masquerading as legitimate medical advice? I once convinced myself I had TB. It was a bad week.
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