Birth control scares the shit out of me and I mean really scares the shit out of me. I pretty much think it’s going to trick me into thinking I’m not pregnant and then 10 months later I’m watching the premiere episode of my belligerently-sassy self, on “I Didn’t Know I Was Pregnant.” Well, either that, or it’s just going to kill me.
We’ve all seen the commercials:
“Have you taken Yaz?”
“Did you die, yet?”
Now, I’ve never used the pill and I never will, because yes, I think it’s going to kill me. So instead, I use condoms, but those are only 99.99% effective. So, um fuck.
Of course any time I have protected sex, I think I’m pregnant, and my period is so fucked up to begin with, it’s impossible to track.
So instead of being smart and calming the fuck down, I just get on WebMD and cry myself to sleep because WebMD says I’m either pregnant or rabies or that I have a brain tumor that about to explode out of my left earlobe, and at this point of my hysteria, I’ll take the brain tumor.
And for the record, just to make myself sound a little more sane for being freaked out be WedMD's diagnosis for pregnancy, the symptoms they give are basically the same things that happen right before your period. So according to WebMD, you're either about to get your period...or your about to be given the unwanted gift of life.
Sidenote: WebMD is seriously pissing me the fuck off lately!
Now, don’t get me wrong, I’m pro-life, well technically, I’m pro-my life, and a baby would just really mess that shit up right now.
My friends have even offered to take care of my potential “love mistakes” in the past and probably only because they knew I was crazy and that I was not actually pregnant.
So what needs to be done? Well there are a plethora of things that should be done. Like fixing global warming and finding Waldo. But until then I think I'll just drink.