So I’m sorry to report but I actually will not be writing about my NYE. My mom reads my blog religiously and honestly, I just don’t feel like getting “that” phone call this week…
“Really, Natalie? Really?!?”
“It’s not as bad as it sounds. I swear.”
“Sure it wasn’t. By the way…what does ‘jungle fever’ mean again?”
“Oh, no going through a tunnel, going to lose y---“
Love you, mom. Seriously I do. I’ll call you after work today. The bleach worked amazingly, by the way!
So to make it up to you guys, I have compiled yet another brilliant list of why men should never be attracted to me/what getting high for two years straight does to your brain and/or Oh. Dear. God. I hope she’s lying (…I’m not).
1. One time I tried to steam a shirt I was currently wearing…I had a burn mark on my stomach for two months.
2. Tried to get one of my friends high but accidentally burnt half of her right eyebrow off…and didn’t tell her….don’t worry she figured it out.
3. I’ve been trying to write this post for the past three days.
4. I screamed, “We’ll double team it!” in my feature writing class senior year of college…the professor didn’t laugh…nor did the uber-religious Christian chick in that class.
5. You know what’s awesome? Spraying vanilla icing on a mini-donut.
6. You know what’s even more awesome? Spraying vanilla icing directly into your mouth.
7. I straightened my hair for three weeks because I was too lazy to walk down to Duane Reade and buy hairspray.
8. If I don’t have to leave the apartment that day…I won’t put on pants.
9. If I know I have to leave the apartment at a certain time…I won’t put pants on until five minutes before said time.
10. If Matt’s not home…pants will not be on.
11. I was a closeted Barney fan until sixth grade.
12. I have run into a screen and/or glass door five times in my life.
13. My mom has tricked me into eating a dog treat…well she tricked me twice.
14. One time I got so high, I started hallucinating and walked into my empty apartment only to hear, “THIS IS THE DEVIL!” My roommates found me sitting on the kitchen counter dipping Tostitos into a can of vanilla icing.
15. I have dropped sweet and sour sauce all over my legs twice in my life…one time I was super plastered and my roommates found me covered in sweet and sour sauce, screaming, “I’m going to kill myself!” after they had gone to work-out. SIDE NOTE: It was the same roommates from 14.
16. I’m currently not wearing a shirt...but I have a superman bra on…that I’ve had since I was twelve…
17. I usually watch “Intervention” with at least one 40 in my hand…prefereably a Hurricane.
18. I woke up with chocolate all over my bed the other day…I did not go to sleep with chocolate in the bed….
19. All siblings were banned from attending field trips from my brothers school, for something I did when I was four years old.
20. Champagne/Tequila and/or wine turns me into a Grade A whore.
....Turned on? That's what I thought.
Surprisingly... yes, but I'm just as big of a wreck as you are.
ReplyDeleteShould we not be? You fail to realize that your particular brand of crazy is a bit of a turn on for us guys.
ReplyDeleteAlso, my mom reads my other blogs, but this one I keep under wraps because it'd just be too weird if she read it.
you have a thing for vanilla icing, don't you?
ReplyDeleteAhhhh, write the post what are ya? Scared? ;)
ReplyDeleteM
Amen on the pants thing. Well, I'm always wearing some pants but they are usually of the very large sweatpant variety and look just terrible.
ReplyDeleteVanilla icing is pretty sweet (haha get it? sweet? yeah) but cream cheese icing is better!
This is why I pray that I don't have to raise a girl, when that time comes. Stumbling upon her Blogger account in 2035 would just cause me break out in hives, and then I'd probably turn to the church for salvation.
ReplyDeleteHowever, I'm a fan of the superman bra, while simultaneously wondering what it is. Like, they make such a thing? Wouldn't Wonder Woman be more appropriate? (Did she even wear bras?) Female superhero body proportions are odd in general, since everyone is chestier than Mrs. Jolie-Pitt, unless they aren't, which automatically signifies that they are a teenager / kid (Jubilee).