So I’m sorry to report but I actually will not be writing about my NYE. My mom reads my blog religiously and honestly, I just don’t feel like getting “that” phone call this week…
“Really, Natalie? Really?!?”
“It’s not as bad as it sounds. I swear.”
“Sure it wasn’t. By the way…what does ‘jungle fever’ mean again?”
“Oh, no going through a tunnel, going to lose y---“
Love you, mom. Seriously I do. I’ll call you after work today. The bleach worked amazingly, by the way!
So to make it up to you guys, I have compiled yet another brilliant list of why men should never be attracted to me/what getting high for two years straight does to your brain and/or Oh. Dear. God. I hope she’s lying (…I’m not).
1. One time I tried to steam a shirt I was currently wearing…I had a burn mark on my stomach for two months.
2. Tried to get one of my friends high but accidentally burnt half of her right eyebrow off…and didn’t tell her….don’t worry she figured it out.
3. I’ve been trying to write this post for the past three days.
4. I screamed, “We’ll double team it!” in my feature writing class senior year of college…the professor didn’t laugh…nor did the uber-religious Christian chick in that class.
5. You know what’s awesome? Spraying vanilla icing on a mini-donut.
6. You know what’s even more awesome? Spraying vanilla icing directly into your mouth.
7. I straightened my hair for three weeks because I was too lazy to walk down to Duane Reade and buy hairspray.
8. If I don’t have to leave the apartment that day…I won’t put on pants.
9. If I know I have to leave the apartment at a certain time…I won’t put pants on until five minutes before said time.
10. If Matt’s not home…pants will not be on.
11. I was a closeted Barney fan until sixth grade.
12. I have run into a screen and/or glass door five times in my life.
13. My mom has tricked me into eating a dog treat…well she tricked me twice.
14. One time I got so high, I started hallucinating and walked into my empty apartment only to hear, “THIS IS THE DEVIL!” My roommates found me sitting on the kitchen counter dipping Tostitos into a can of vanilla icing.
15. I have dropped sweet and sour sauce all over my legs twice in my life…one time I was super plastered and my roommates found me covered in sweet and sour sauce, screaming, “I’m going to kill myself!” after they had gone to work-out. SIDE NOTE: It was the same roommates from 14.
16. I’m currently not wearing a shirt...but I have a superman bra on…that I’ve had since I was twelve…
17. I usually watch “Intervention” with at least one 40 in my hand…prefereably a Hurricane.
18. I woke up with chocolate all over my bed the other day…I did not go to sleep with chocolate in the bed….
19. All siblings were banned from attending field trips from my brothers school, for something I did when I was four years old.
20. Champagne/Tequila and/or wine turns me into a Grade A whore.
....Turned on? That's what I thought.