It never fails, I seriously attract the craziest motherfuckers out there. Granted, living in NYC isn't exactly helping the situation, but COME ON.
Case in point, let's just look at a snippet of a convo I had with a lovely old-lady customer at urban outfitters the other day. Now read carefully, because she starts all sweet and old-lady like, but it does not end that way.
Crazy Old Lady: I love your shirt!
Me: Why thank you!
Crazy Old Lady: Such a beautiful shirt for a beautiful girl.
Me: Why thank you!
Crazy Old Lady: So what do you do?
Me: Uh...this.
Crazy Old Lady: Did you go to college?
Me: I did.
Crazy Old Lady: And this is the best you can do?
Me: Well...I'm also a nanny...
Crazy Old Lady: Back in my day, ladies didn't go to college to get a job like this.
Me: I see.
Crazy Old Lady: Yep. You'd graduate high school, get a sales job, then marry a boy.
Me: In a perfect world.
Crazy Old Lady: You girls now. You're all stupid. You know you have the ultimate power right?
Me: I do?
Crazy Old Lady: It's right here. (Motions to her lady parts.)
Me: Oh that. I was aware of that.
Crazy Old Lady: Boys think you all are all soooooo easy...and desperate.
Me: Wait? We aren't?
Crazy Old Lady: You'll never get married if you put out.
Me: Wait? I won't?!?
Crazy Old Lady: Have you heard of a "hump and dump?"
Me: I have not. ( I have by the way...who the fuck hasn't.)
Crazy Old Lady: It's when the boy takes you out, humps you, then dumps you.
Me: Oh.
Crazy Old Lady: Do not "hump and dump."
Me: I'll make a note of that.
Crazy Old Lady: Seriously, don't. You want to get married right?
Me: Meh, we'll see what happens.
Crazy Old Lady: You girls need to get your priorities in check.
Me: Probably.
Crazy Old Lady: Well if all else fails do some Zumba.
Me: I will!
Crazy Old Lady: Really?
Me: No.
Crazy Old Lady: Hah! You're a funny girl. (Looks me up and down.) But you really should look into Zumba. Goodnight!
Uh...yeah...cause that's a normal conversation to have with a complete stranger.
At least she suggested Zumba and not Tengo. Zumba you can do alone... Tengo not so much.
ReplyDeleteCan't stop laughing! I attract these kind of crazies all the time. It feels good to know I'm not alone.
ReplyDeleteShe sounds like a gem. I bet she's been humped and dumped too many times to count. Especially if she thinks her crotch is magical.
ReplyDelete(In my mind, she looks like the witch with the apple from Snow White, except instead of an apple, she's holding onto her ladybits, persuading strange men to take a nibble.)
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Haha I loved this!! "Hump and dump"...best shit ever.
ReplyDeleteThere was this old lady I cleaned for once upon a time who used to take insults and wrap them up all nicely into compliments so you couldn't exactly respond in outrage. For example, when I showed her my engagement ring she went "Oh, it's lovely! The diamond is small, but you have small hands so it's okay."
-__-
I want to be that crazy old lady someday, handing out advice about the power of lady parts and Zumba.
ReplyDeleteWhat did the old lady buy in urban outfitters? I really would like to know.
ReplyDeleteAt least she didn't want to set you up with her grandson! This happens to me constantly.
ReplyDeleteHahaha Too funny I attract crazies too but they usually talk about themselves and their assorted past. This old lady just out right insulted you, how rude. "Is this the best you can do? " she does know we're in a recession, right? LOL and why Zumba... Of all the thing you could do with your time... I once had a 40 min converstaion with a stranger about the dangers of crack. Trust you aren't alone.
ReplyDeleteThat is some fucked up shit, right there. My hat off to you, you made it much further than I would have. I would have been shocked into sputtering about the time she asked if that was the best I could do.
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