I’m a slut for ice cream. Jesus Christ, am I ever.
Well… more accurately, I’m a prostitute for ice cream.
Seriously, if someone tried to barter sex with ice cream…I’d hesitate. There would be no “what the fuck” exclamation or some immediate look of disgust and/or constipation. More of a “this guy gets me”/ “did I just meet my soul mate” look.
It’s sad really. I’d have sex in exchange for some Tasti-D Lite. To be quite honest, Tasti-Delight is legal tender in my fantasy world, as it should be in everyone’s fantasy world.
And if you don’t know what Tasti-D Lite is, get the fuck out of my face, get on Google maps, find the nearest one, buy a pint, come back to my face, spoon feed me the whole pint, and then we’ll have sex.
I may be a little gassy though…. Dairy products always seem to make me gassy…
Like I’ve said before (and if you haven’t already noticed) my life is pathetic/sick/mildly entertaining for anyone how is not me.
My top favorite places in NYC are Tasti-D Lite, Yogurtland, Serendipity, (terrible movie, fucking awesome ice-cream) and McDonalds. I don’t care if there are McDonalds everywhere in the fucking world; their ice cream is like fucking crack. And for that I will always be indebted to Ronald McDonald, you brilliant, brilliant clown you.
I have an addiction. Seriously. I have to eat it everyday or I go ape-shit.
Ever see the movie Requiem for a Dream? That’s my life in a nutshell. And by Requiem for a Dream I mean Teenaged Mutant Ninja Turtles. And by Teenaged Mutant Ninja Turtles I mean, The Apple Dumpling Gang. But I think you get the similarities.
But I may have/probably/most definitely woken up half-naked in a pool of my own vomit before…and by before I mean yesterday.
I wish we could do more things with ice cream really. I wish we could snort it, inject it into our veins, use it as shampoo/body wash/lotion.
I’m pretty sure ice cream is the elixir of life. I’m also pretty sure a pint of Ben and Jerry’s would end the war on terror.
What if bullets were made out of ice cream?! Dear god, why hasn’t anyone thought of this before.
And, I think I just figured out how I’m going to get rich, bitches.
I'm trying to link the scene of Requiem for a Dream where Jared Leto gets his arm sawed off with something concerning ice cream.
ReplyDeleteLiposuction, maybe?
That would be a great film: A story of four individuals whose lives are destroyed by ice cream addictions.
I suppose the right answer when someone offers sex for ice cream is: "What flavor?"
I dunno. Funny blog...
WHen I lived in NYC, Tasti Delite always gave me headaches. And made me poop. Big time.
ReplyDeleteThere are some crazay chemicals in that shit.
...But it still tastes awesome.
ReplyDeleteice cream cake...holy mindfuck
ReplyDeleteBullets SHOULD be made out of ice cream. You know how many people would sign up for the army if that happened? And war would be like a birthday party food fight :)
ReplyDeleteI have something that will top all of those places. 16 Handles, this is by far the greatest place on earth, and it is self-serve, so you know what that means, total control of your frozen yogurt fantasies.
ReplyDeleteNat you HAVE HAVE HAVE to come to Miami. Seriously! Mi casa, tu casa. There is this place called Menchie's down here that will kick Tasti' Dlites ASSS! Soooo good. With flavors like cookies n' cream, cake batter, coconut, red velvet, and the list goes on. AHHHHHH. GURL!
ReplyDeletePlan a vacay to my hometown stat! And we'll get this ice cream party started. But after I lost five pounds.
I actually was laughing out loud while reading this post, it seriously made my day. You are a brilliant writer. I would do dirty things with anyone who offered me massive quantities of raw chocolate chip cookie dough.
ReplyDeleteIce cream bullets? That's Apple Dumpling Gang crazy!!! Why not ice cream grenades? Ice cream would be everywhere!!!!
ReplyDeleteice cream is awesome
ReplyDeleteI love McDonalds ice cream too -.- :/
ReplyDeleteMy life is like TMNT as well. Especially the part where they all meditate and see Master Splinter and start crying.
ReplyDeleteI've always believed that ice cream and blow jobs would solve the world's problems. You're just an ambassador of world peace, baby.
ReplyDeleteFinally, someone that understands me. I've been searching my whole life. What sweet relief!
ReplyDeleteOkay... I think I can honestly say that I will fully reciprocate your love. Your cheeky banter had me LOLing it up over here! I especially liked your Requiem reference; remember the ending scene where she did awful things for drugs, and hugged her drug-bag at the end? I imagine you in that scene hugging your ice cream. Also, may I suggest Ice Cream Chewing Tobacco?
ReplyDeleteIn reverend Cerimon there well appears Following!
ReplyDelete