“Mom, am I fat?”
“No…its just baby fat.”
It wasn’t.
I was fat. Not kind of fat. Not chunky. Not big-boned. And definitely not baby fat. Baby fat is allowed till the age of what? Five? I was at least 10 when I asked my mom this infamous question. And the truth is, I was fat. Like ate spoonfuls of sugar at one time, fat. Stole candy bars from the grocery store, fat. Fat fat. Scurrying barefoot on the kitchen countertops looking for the elusive sugar that my parents “continently misplaced” two weeks after I was discovered in a corner eating spoonfuls of sugar, fat. (Those bastards.)
Walking into the grocery store on that autumn afternoon just seemed like the right moment to ask. I probably was going to steal a Snickers bar anyways, and that should have been proof enough but I wanted to hear it verbally. I wanted the words to ring in my ears; I wanted them to sear the fat right off of my love handles.
However, my plan backfired:
“No…its just baby fat.”
Wait…what? My mom just lied! Straight to my face. Wasn’t my mom, if anyone, supposed to tell her child that while yes, they had a stellar personality and yes, they were super funny, that sadly they were fat and kind of going through an, um I don’t know, ugly…I mean, awkward stage? How could she? How could she just lie like that?!
I stood there, shocked, in the middle of the crosswalk in my bright orange leggings with the elastic band, (I couldn’t technically fit into jeans until I was 14), oversized black sweater splattered with bright orange pumpkins and candy corn (to divert ones eye from the fat, of course), and bright orange pumpkin bow placed strategically in the middle of my disproportionate head. Yeah, I was that kid.
My mouth opened, but there was no food to shove into the black hole. How do I argue that?
“Nuh uh!”
But wasn’t that what I wanted to hear? Didn’t I want to hear that yes, I wasn’t fat? That yes, it was okay to steal candy? Yes, Cheese Whiz was a valid form of calcium? And yes in actuality, it’s vegetables that fuck you up?
It was in this moment that I learned a valuable lesson: Moms lie. They really do. Years later (and pounds skinner) I confronted my mom about this pivotal question in my chubby childhood:
“Oh god, you were soooooo fat!”
“I knew it. You lied to me!”
“Technically, but you were always skinnier than your brother.”
Many times during my dance career I asked teachers, professors, and directors if I needed to loose weight. I knew I did, but I could never make myself loose weight on my own. I thought maybe if a director told me I needed to loose weight, it was scare me into actually doing it. But none of them would say it. They all told me I was just fine. Maybe I was just fine, or maybe they were scared of giving me an eating disorder, I don't know. I'll bet you anything that's why your mom fed you that lie, too, because she didn't want to screw you up.
ReplyDeleteyes.
ReplyDeletewell there you go - you were skinnier than your brother. lol
ReplyDeletehahaha, I like how she justified the lie because your brother was fatter. I used to ask my mom questions like this, too, and it's their job to lie!
ReplyDeleteI wish my parents lied more :( my dad takes far too much joy from telling me anytime I'm getting podgy and my mother has named my fat face "hamster cheeks" the truth really doesn't help me, I'm one of those "chocolate will cheer me up" people
ReplyDeleteI remember the first time I wore jeans, I think I may have been 14 too. I was a chunky fuck as well. I always wondered why the boys never liked me, everything makes sense now. Those ridiculous floral print leggings and shirts like 90% devil, 10% angel. Fuck me running.
ReplyDeleteBut this is why you're so wise. Fat rules. Just not in adulthood :(
ReplyDeleteMy mom lied, too. Except she told me I was fat and looking back, I really wasn't. What do I win? A SNICKERS BAR, MAYBE?
ReplyDeleteSo when mom told me I could be anything I wanted to be when I got older.... that was a lie too.... I new it was her fault I'm not an astronaut!
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