Awkward Sex and the City: I hate when people know me better than I know myself...

Monday, August 29, 2011

I hate when people know me better than I know myself...

Well actually…that’s not true. People don’t know me at all.

Sadly, I know myself very well…a little too well. Which is probably why I haven’t been in a relationship since I was 14…I know people don’t want to deal with all the crazy shit going up in huuuurrrrrrrr. (Points simultaneously to head and who-hah.)

Side note: Who-hah means vagina.

Any who.

I don’t hide anything. I wear all my crazy/weird/socially unacceptable shit on my sleeve.

Well wait. That’s a lie, too. I actually do (attempt to) hide all my crazy/weird/ socially unacceptable from the world/society/white dude who I thought was hitting on me but was actually talking to the hotter chick next to me.

Which means, I am a shit ton crazier than you have already assumed… and I just blew your mind….and just blew my chance with ninja mike. God damnit.

“Wait…what type of crazier/more disgusting/socially unacceptable things do you hide from us, pretty lady who is just a literary savant when given a pen an pad, but sounds slightly LD in person?”

Hmmm. Well that is a great question, person who just accidently found this blog by a porno typo via Google. That is a great question.

Number 1. Porn…while yes I have confessed that I do like porn. I have never said which type….and I never will. You are now thinking of the most grotesque porn clip you ever seen. “Does she like that?!” Maybe I do…maybe I do. Or not. You sick fuck. Get your mind out of the gutter.

Number 2. Sexual Fantasies. Even I’m a little appalled out by this tidbit of my life….and you are probably still lingering on the previous porn clip…god damn you are disgusting…now do you see why I hide this shit?

Number 3. Common Sense. I have none. Just ask my roommate. He’s about to kill me. “Wait Matt…how does a light-switch work again?”

Number 4. Secret musical pleasures. Have you ever heard the easy vibrations of the Bee Gees? Or KC and the Sunshine band? Fuck. Neither have I…hahahaha…I’m just kidding…whatever. Fuck you. Just don’t look at my Top 25 most played, and no one gets hurt, bitch.

Number 5. What orifice have I not stuck a finger into? That is a good question….

Number 6. How much time I actually spend on facebook….

Number 7. How much time I actually spend eating….

Number 8. Every time I see a person. I ask myself… A. Have they had sex yet? B. Would they have sex with me? C. What position would we do? It only takes a couple of seconds... but if I have met you in person before, I have thought this.

Number 9. My unprecedented sexual love for Jim Gaffigan…if he would just fucking leave his wife already. BIPPITY BOPPITY BACON!

Number 10. No pants Tuesday type of day is actually…no pants “whenever my roommate is not home” type of day.