...Remember when you were a kid and making out with someone was the biggest deal in the world? Now, with most of us presumably in our mid-20s, sexual contact is as regular as Natalie having mayonnaise with her sandwich. But if you remove the clouds of smoke and the malted hops from your brains for a moment, you may remember that there once was a time when you would brag to your friends, “I GOT TO FIRST BASE! FUCK YEAH!”
Editor’s Note: Whatever you do, Natalie, DO NOT incorporate mayo into your sexual endeavors. My friend knew a couple that did that, and the girl didn’t clean her hoo-haa properly and the mayo gave her worms. Is it a true story? My friend says it is, but regardless it was enough to convince me to never spread the godly condiment on a chick’s vadge.
When I was learning about sex growing up, it was often compared to bases on a ball-field. I’m sure most of you are aware of this. First base was making out, second base was up the shirt, third base was a handjob, and home plate was getting your fuck on. Then of course, there was sloppy seconds – suckin’ on ‘dem titties – and sloppy thirds: Gettin’ a beej.
Editor’s Note: My friend recently asked me if there’s such thing as sloppy home. I don’t believe there is, but wouldn’t it make sense if that’s buttsex?
Now that most of us are years removed from sex being a new experience, how often do you actually run the bases? I suppose we do, but it’s definitely rushed. And since we’re drunk most of the time, it’s fucking chaos. You got tongues flying everywhere, fingers in who-knows-where, people sweating all over the fucking place, odd words being blurted out because your drunk-ass keeps forgetting where you even are…it’s awful. But we love it.
Editor’s Note: Do you know what I mean, about the “blurting out weird words” part? I feel like throughout many drunken hookups I’ve said some weeeeiiird fuckin’ shit, but most of the time the girl hasn’t heard me. Communication isn’t exactly perfected when a girl takes her shirt off and you’re seeing six breasts. Sometimes you’re just happy that you didn’t puke on the person.
Running the bases used to be the best part of the hookup. Okay scratch that…sex is the best part. At least it’s supposed to be. Lots of times you could be running the bases only for a very brief sex session. Hey, it’s not always easy for us guys to go strong after we’ve been getting steamed up for a half-hour – but I digress.
I miss that feeling of getting a pair of titties in my mouth and thinking, “HOLY SHIT! I’M LICKIN’ SOME BOOBIES RIGHT NOW!” I’m not saying I’m Mr. Don Juan over here, but at 26 I’m not exactly inexperienced. But don’t think that experience necessary translates into talent…I think I have a long way to go there. Bitches be perplexin’. But that’s not important right now.
What’s important is for us seasoned veterans to take some time to remember the basic fundamentals. And not only that – we should savor the moment by taking it slower. Ever watch baseball and see a guy hit a homerun? He never sprints around the bases – he jogs. He appreciates that he hit a homerun; he doesn’t run as fast as he can. Sure, some guys do…but they look fucking retarded. Anyone watching is thinking, “Why the shit is he running so fast?”
Now I’m not saying that a girl doesn’t wanna get slammed sometimes, but at the same time you can’t just dive onto a slip n’ slide if it’s not wet first. Quickies are one thing, but overall I think we should be taking our time more. Like I said, savor the moment. Many ball-players would give anything to hit another homerun, just like one day eventually we’ll give anything to have a “run the bases” kind of hookup.
Sorry to be cynical, but eventually we’ll be all old and wrinkly and shit, and we’ll sure as fuck not wanna be sucking on boobies or putting old balls in our mouths. We’re just gonna wanna skip to home plate. Let’s make sure we’re not doing that at 26.