I’m 22 and I’ve never been to the gyno… I know. I know. This is like super duper bad, but come on! Metal-jiggy thingy-mebobber does not make the list of “things I want shoved up my who-hah.”
My mother said I’d either go after I started having sex or when I turned 18. Well, um, I guess she forgot I turned 18 four years ago and I guess I forgot to call her to tell her the great news…
“Hey mom! Guess what?!? I got laid!”
“This is your father.”
And I don’t have an issue with the doctors, but any time I think about going to the lady doctors, I always have this nightmare that the doc whose checking out my girl-junk will either vomit/fart/post a video on his vlog simultaneously while my legs are strapped in the stirrups of doom…
What if he calls in a nurse? And then another? And then another?!
“Is it moving?”
“I think that’s the black hole Einstein was talking about?”
“Are you sure it was Einstein? I thought it was someone else.”
“Whose the doctor, Stewart? And who’s the male nurse”
“Fuck you.”
Next thing I know NBC/CBS/your fucking noisy as fuck neighbor have swarmed into the back corner of my room, to afraid to get in a 5-foot radius of my who-hah without being sucked into an endless pit a doom…like so many fallen brethren before them.
“Its like a train wreck.”
“I just can’t look away. I just can’t.”
Women are vomiting. Men are screaming. Obama has just issued a state of emergency….for America.
Brian Williams, who seems unable to stop gagging, is reporting live to the nation, no, to the world.
“This is the worst thing since hurricane Katrina. This is worse than New Orleans,” he stops to hold back vomit that has secreted into his mouth.
“World… this is hell.”
I’ll become a novelty. Soon, people will want pictures with my who-hah. T-shirts with my lady-stuff and “I’ve been to hell and survived” printed on the front, will be sold out of rickety-old van for $9.95.
Um…I think you see my dilemma.
Unless I get a cut of the profits, then I’ve got a really good idea for some new products...
All in all, I like to think that a little self-examination with a small hand mirror is all I really need in life. That is all I need right?
Right?!
Well, unpleasant as though it may be it is recommended to go for a check-up once every two years. I was reeeally uncomfortable about it when I first had to go, also at 18, my mom made me as I asked to get the pill she said I needed to go there. And yea the metal thing is a bit weird, and the whole scrapy thing is awkward, but it doesn't even take a minute. Before you know it you're fully dressed again and paying. I do go to a woman, as a man doctor would just make me feel weird. The first time is slightly scary, but once you've been you'll realise it's not such a big deal. So go, its for the good of your health :) Also, if you ever have a kid, down there will look a whole lot scarier :p
ReplyDeleteNegative ghost rider. You have to go! Even if it's once every three years (don't judge me!), you have to...
ReplyDeleteIt really isn't all that bad. I promish.
it's time to bite the bullet and go, my dear. it only lasts a few minutes, and it's killer important. i went the first time at 17. i don't want to think about how many speculums (specula? speculi?) i've known in this life. but i know i'm clean, and that's a GREAT relief.
ReplyDeleteoh, and PS - i don't find a difference between a male and a female doctor. been to both; it's just weird all the way around.
ReplyDeleteGOOOOOOOO! its not that bad at ALL. what is bad is that you are seriously putting your health at risk
ReplyDeleteWell its very important if it has to do with your health!
ReplyDeletehave your future gyno read this post and have them write you a mild valium prescription to take before you go in there. GO!!!!!!
ReplyDeleteOMG, lol just go, it's not all that bad.
ReplyDeleteIf you're uncomfortable about it being a man, go to the planned parenthood and ask to see a woman. Your health should be your first concern. It doesn't hurt, and it's over in minutes. You kind of owe it to yourself and all future partners you're intimate with.
Take a g/f with you and let them know you're nervous. It's the best thing you can do for your health, and sexual health.
Keep us updated.
I'm just glad I have a dick.
ReplyDeletehmm, if you're 22, then that means i am technically old enough to be your mother (a teen mother, but mother nonetheless). but i wont get naggy with you. i'll just say that when i was your age i felt the same as you, buuuut now i think i was stupid back then. it's sooo not a big deal. if you're seriously worried about the way your who-hah looks, i suggest hopping on an amateur porn site and checking out the thousands of different who-hahs. (make sure it's an amateur site though, where real everyday people are the contributors...otherwise you're probably going to run into surgically altered or bleached or somehow messed with who-hahs) but really, i don't think there are any two alike. they come is so many different shapes, sizes, textures...there is NO way yours will stand out as something weird. once you get it over with, then you don't have that lowgrade stress of not doing it constantly nagging at the back of your mind. just do it.
ReplyDelete"Whose the doctor, Stewart? And who’s the male nurse
ReplyDeleteFuck you."
-That got a laugh out of me. Good work.
So what did it feel like when all those navy seals were hunting Osama in your hoo-ha?
ReplyDeleteIf I can have the doctor check my prostate twice a year by putting his hand up my butt to his elbow, you can ask the gyno to warm up the speculum. Hey my doc retired last year, now I have female young and pretty doctor. Could this now be enjoyable?
ReplyDeleteOMG, I am 22 and I also have never been to the gyno... I was actually planning to go this summer after graduating from uni. I feel like if I can get through that, then I can handle some gyno visit haha
ReplyDeleteI would go regularly when I wasn't having sex... and now that i've been virgin free for three years I haven't gone.
ReplyDeletei really should go and I know I have no real excuse for not going.
but your post have inspired me... i'm googling GYNO in my area of town right now.
-K
Soon, people will want pictures with your who-hah? There is probably a high likelihood that some people already do. Blame smartphones
ReplyDeleteJust take your ass to the doctor. Get it over with!
ReplyDeleteDude, women survived for generations without a gyno.
ReplyDeleteIf it isn't broken, don't do go fixing it.
As soon as I get to the PROSTATE CHECK age, I will stop going to the doctor as well.
ReplyDeleteGood for you.
It's really important that you go. Just find a doctor you're comfortable with. They know what they're doing.
ReplyDeleteUmmm...errr...yes
ReplyDelete