Wednesday, May 18, 2011

Boys and girls...gather around...

Today I’m going to tell you a story of love and heartache. Of joy and sorry. Of a little girl trying to make it in the world. Yes, today I’m going to tell you about one of the worst days of my life: My first colonoscopy.

And yes, this story ends with a camera shoved up my butt.

My father had colon cancer 10 years ago, so when I saw a massive amount of blood in the toilet one day, you better believe I sat in my room rocking back and forth humming the theme song of Barney.

After 3 hours of hysterical crying, a phone call was made, and a date was set for the butt rape.
The actual procedure (the camera-ass thing) isn’t all that bad, seeing as they dope you up like crazy. It’s the day before, I repeat. The day BEFORE, the prep, that becomes a living hell.

You are presented with a gallon jug and a solution mix (available in a plethora of flavors, orange, blueberry, you’reabouttopeeoutofyourassberry) and must chug the first half of a gallon within 20 minutes. Shit. Then chug the other half, and well, shit some more.

Sounds easy right? Not exactly.

The solution itself is so thick and salty, your brain immediately screams “I’m not swallowing” and you soon find yourself in the fetal position gagging up this “devil’s drink” onto the kitchen floor.

At this point, time was running out, poop was building up, and my dad was screaming at me to man up and chug. My brother told me to start taking the “nectar of death” like a shot. And seeing as I’m a pussy. I attempted to sandwich it.

Orange soda. Witches brew of death. Orange soda.

Didn’t work. I kept hearing these high-pitched screams and then I realized it was me.

Supposedly your body can’t handle that much liquid. A flaw in God’s design, obviously. I had never seen projectile puke until I watched 34 seconds of orange soda escape my mouth like an unruly crowd stampeding toward the entrance of Wal-Mart on black Friday. It wasn’t pretty.

Let’s just say orange soda isn’t my favorite drink and more.

I slept in the bathroom that night. Well, I sat on the commode for 5 hours straight that night. There really was no point in moving. I don’t think I know of any other way to say you literally shit for 24 hours. Literally.

When you arrive to the doctor’s office. They hand you a paper dress and ask you to “relieve yourself once more” which is such a slap in the face. Like I didn’t “relieve myself” 24 hours straight. Mother-fuckers.

Um, well, turned out they were right. There was still some “relieving” to be done.

I walked out of the bathroom, bare-assed and defeated. (Nothing new there, really.)

The anesthesiologist walks in to find me nervously attempting to cover my bare ass from the cold steel, but to no avail.

“Oh don’t worry sweetie, you’re in good hands,” she squealed as she attached the elephant syringe to my IV. “This is the same stuff that killed Michael Jackson. Sleep tight.”

“Wait, w----”

And that was the day I got ass-raped by a camera four days before my 21st birthday.


20 comments:

  1. Such entertainment on a Wednesday morning. I can't take it!

    I've never had one. And now... Never having one.

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  2. hahahahah I had this done the day before my 35th b-day. and the Prep IS FAR WORSE THAN THE CAMERA! FAR WORSE!

    I go every 5 years for the colonoscope, but have to go report to the doctor anytime I see blood in my stool. Begnine Polyps. thank gawd.

    Hope you're okay, lets us know the outcome.

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  3. My dad died from colon cancer almost 3 years ago now. The subject matter depresses me epically and when I first started read I was all bummed but then I kept going and lets just say thanks for making me laugh. I needed it when in reference to the shit that is cancer which I seriously hope gets ass raped it self.

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  4. if you went through all that crap, there is no way you should be weary about heading to the gyno. (of course i suppose you could've been joking on your gyno post) the gyno is a giant piece of gooey chocolate cake compared to this.

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  5. Hopefully it's just blood from gigantic hemorrhoids.

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  6. Holy shit! And I'd thought having the camera shoved in through the other entrance was bad! I have been humbled, madame...

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  7. dude, i've been there. seriously, the day before is comically torturous. the day of the actual procedure was pure bliss: coma-like sleeping and pigging the fuck out on everything in sight. who could ask for anything more.

    i blogged this same shit here:
    http://thingsiliketoeatandothernonsense.blogspot.com/2011/01/another-one-about-poop-part-i-of-ii.html

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  8. Congrats on a cancer-free poop shoot.

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  9. Oh man...this is giving me flashbacks!! I had to have this done when I was 23 or 24 b/c of stomach issues. NEVER again. I'll take my chances with IBS and colon cancer, thank you.

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  10. OMG ouch. I had a sigmoidoscopy which is similar but they don't knock you out, and the camera doesn't go as far. Honestly, I wish I had been knocked out instead. It.was.terrible.

    So glad it all turned out ok. What a horrible thing to go through before you're old enough to legally drink it off the next day!!

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  11. I am petrified of having to ever go for a colonoscopy, I don't want things up my ass. Things in the ass are never any fun... yes boys never.

    My friend had to go for a colonoscopy the other day, I got a play by play of her drinking that solution. Every two minutes. I am a good friend for sitting through it. What I really wanted to say was " That shit is gross! Sucks to be you" but instead I said " Aww, I am sure that is terrible, good luck and power through"

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  12. wow that sounds really intense but it didnt happen to me.

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  13. sounds like you had the best 21 birthday ever!!! LMAO!

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  14. you say butt rape like it's a bad thing ha ha


    picklesinmyass.blogspot.com

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  15. I wish I could be more supportive with the pain thing. I had a kidney stone removed last year as I could not pass it. They stuck the same camera up where I pee. They say it was pay back for not being able to give birth. It did not last long but I let out an initial scream that left me voiceless for nearly a week. Once sedated it was over only to return ten days later to have the stent removed without sedation. Although they give Novocain to your penis. Need I say more.

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  16. Ugh, that sounds awful! :(
    At least it's over, right?
    *showers love and hugs*

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    ReplyDelete