Okay…so I want to preface this post with the fact that yes, I am not the best driver in the world.
And that yes, because I am a girl, when it comes to driving, on a scale of 1 through 10…10 being the highest…I can only score a 5.5…at best.
…6 if I could parallel park… which I can’t…and unless I’m rewarded with mayo packets…I don’t plan on learning…deal with it.
Now…on with the post….
Oh. Dear. God. You Maryland drivers SUCK.
There. I said it. And believe me…I’m not the only one thinking it…in fact there’s probably another 48 states thinking the same exact thing…I’m not letting you vote Jersey…we all hate you, too.
And you can’t even get mad at me cause I’m from Baltimore…Middle River, motherfuckers…and everyday I praise the lord I was not taught to drive in the big M.D.
Let’s say it together Maryland drivers… “turn signals are designed to inform the drivers around you that you are about to turn/merge/politely ask (without being to intrusive) your fellow drivers to allow the adequate amount of space (in this never-ending traffic jam of a hell hole) so you can safely and sufficiently squeeze you unnecessarily douchy McDouchster escalade (which is always being driven some timid woman with the worst mom haircut I’ve seen in ages) into the space in front of me.”
And when you don’t use your turn signal while you are cutting me off…then please by every means take it personally when I tailgate your sorry ass, only to get right beside you, put my window down to flip you off ….or moon you…one the two.
…and yes it is physically possible for me to moon you while I’m driving, way to doubt my integrity, douche.
And yes, I will scream. And yes, you will hear a combination of words that will make you assume I’m a Russian/Asian/ some sort of illegal immigrant….and if it were me…I would go with a combination of all three.
And yes, my face will vaguely resemble that possessed chick from The Exorcist…not that I would know what her face looks like cause I’ll never fucking watch that movie…and if you have watched that movie, you will at one point be possessed by the devil…how do people not understand that?!?
And yes, you will fear me…because I will find you…and you know it…so you’ll shutter every time you see a car with the same color/make/vanilla vomit smell as mine.
…and fuck you for judging the smell of my car…I dropped a slim fast shake in it last week, shit happens, alright?! Is that okay with you, Mr. I don’t use my turn signal but I’m sure as hell going to judge the innards of your car…douche.
And when I find you, I would safely assume that I’m going to throw whatever the fuck is in my passenger seat directly at you… oh, you know…mayo packets…plastic Tupperware…empty slim-fast shakes…a black dildo…and those bitches can do some damage…believe you me.
So all in all…you’ve been warned.
I hate bastards that don't use their signals.
ReplyDeleteI am offended when people say females can't drive. But since it was you, I will let it slide.
ReplyDeleteDriving is an interesting thing. I am one of those people who if you can't drive, or you don't signal, or you are just a complete ass I will roll down my window and yell at you " You fucking mother fucker"... that'll teach them.
Don't let Florida vote either because they think they own the damn road. All of them don't use their turning signals and they just throw themselves out into the middle of the road when your really close to them, anticipating that you hit them so they collect their money. Oh not to mention how the Highways starts off with 7 lanes and then merges down to 3 and people go all crazy when they see these merge signs. They wait till the last minute to get over to the next lane causing all this traffic and possible accidents. I hate driving in Florida. The other thing that pisses me off to is that there is always traffic, like don't you people work? Or are you all Gold Diggers with like 5 Sugar Daddies paying your expenses? >:{
ReplyDeleteStephen oh Stephen
ReplyDeleteThis ,your therapist will get a chuckle out of all I copied ,ha ha
You Keep on pushing that mind of yours
one day sweetie ,you will be rich and famous ,you will be remembered !!
just think sweetie ,you be able to afford ,your new love ,without mommy ,supporting you both ,
Or just maybe ,your mommy could high your new love as her new maid ,and she will fit right in with all that are care takers of her yard
you little devil you ,this fame in creation is so rewarding and touching ,How you spend wasting Time to create such Rewarding Fame for me ,Wow!! you are amazing man ,now writing a novel ,how do you find the time
have a nice life aaron,anwii,awniii40,Rob,calkid,oh silly me ,I forget ,you have many user names and male or female ,just so convincing ,you make all look like pretty little Idiots
isn't life perfect ,I think so
today is great ,you look so stupid aaron ,as you just don't hold the facts about nothing smiling
NY people can't drive either. I hate summer because they invade my Jersey Shore, attempt to run me over when I'm in the fuckin' crosswalk....don't do the speedlimit, and when you ask me for directions? I will most certainly direct you.....BACK TO WHERE YOU CAME FROM.
ReplyDeleteI can't really drive to well but there are so, so, so many people that drive WORSE than I do, that it makes me sad for humanity.
ReplyDeleteI can't parallel park either! I was in Miami last week and it was a choice between parallel parking or paying $10 for normal parking and guess who's broke ass still decided to pay $10? ME.
Lor
a friend of mine always says, "virginia drivers are more likely to hit you; maryland drivers are more likely to kill you." i think that about sums it up.
ReplyDelete'course, saturday afternoon we were nearly killed, in order, by a maryland driver, a DC driver and a virginia driver. so maybe it's a tossup...
All female drivers suck.
ReplyDeletePresent company included.
And I don't mean at driving.
;)
You scored a knockout with the Slimfast line!
ReplyDeleteAmen on the smelly car haters. If you can't deal with the noxious fallout of my frequent burrito-eating, don't ask me for a ride...
ReplyDeleteExcuse me, but, do you have any Grey Poupon?
ReplyDeleteBad drivers are one of my pet peeves, urg.
ReplyDeleteI can drive...I just can drive slow. I'm usually the idiot riding slow drivers asses to the point where they pull a "break check" on me lol
ReplyDeleteI'm a MD driver, and I must admit, not enough emphasis is placed on teaching us about those little turny thingies. I'll try, I promise! However, Florida drivers are WAY worse! Lane dividers? Only a suggestion. Stop signs? Don't apply to those over 65. Guard rails? Just drive over them! BTW, thanks for visiting my blog!
ReplyDeletei think i might enjoy the mayo packs... thats the only reward i need after being flipped off for my bad driving, well maybe also the slim fast or/and black dildo. dont judge.
ReplyDeletebtw check out my blog on lovelife4sale.blogspot.com