I think it’s a common misconception that writers actually like to…well…write.
Perfect example…right now…I’m in hell.
I hate writing. Always have and probably always will. If you haven’t already guessed it by now…if it’s not smothered in mayo, then I probably hate it… and that includes you…. Miracle Whip…you sick son of a bitch.
And nothing is worse than the moment you realize your “pre-writing rituals”…also referred to as heavily drinking… alone… after my parents went to sleep at 8:30 p.m…while finding more websites based solely on cats that look like Hitler.
… and when that fails…I just stare at my boobs.
But I’m staring at my boobs right now and…nada. Ideas are swirling…but word placement is just not adding up…and that is key, my friend, key.
It’s probably not helping that I’m distracted by this insurmountable urge to pee, but I know once I leave to confines of my bedroom to break the seal, and find myself sitting on the commode…only to stare at my boobs yet again…it will all come to me, but… yet again…I will have been too lazy to grab my pen and pad to write down this epically epic idea all down…because…yet again…I think I’m smart enough to remember everything I just said perfectly in my head…
…I’m not
…but come! In my defense it’s just not that hygienic to write shit down while I’ m perusing the bathroom, now is it? And plus, where the fuck am I supposed to lean my notebook? My exposed belly?
…don’t answer that…or question why my belly is exposed?
I’m in an emotional/sexual/mayo-less rut…and while you may gawk at the theory….I’m pretty sure the sudden and massive lack of mayo-intake is directly correlated to my writing abilities…and my sexual prowess.
…we all have our vices, okay? Yours may make songs turn into colors and mine may just happen to go perfectly well with sandwiches/wraps/sex.
And that is why America is the greatest state in the world my friends! THE GREATEST STATE IN THE WORLD.
I’m also hoping that if I finally write all this bullshit swirling around in my head down...I can finally make room for some ideas/stories/mayo-recipes that don’t quite suck…as much.
Hopefully this is just a flare-up…but can we ever be completely sure?
Too bad that don’t make a hemorrhoid cream for writer’s block…
The mayo should function as a lube, so the ideas can slide out more freely.
ReplyDeleteand yet you can still write a highly entertaining post despite all this!
ReplyDeleteThis post reminded me of the time I ate mango mayo salsa.
ReplyDeleteMost of my great ideas come to me in the shower. I sit there like "oh shit, now what?" I won't interrupt my shower to write them down, so I try to repeat it to myself over and over and over until I get to a pen and paper. Sometimes it works and sometimes I get distracted by the gust of cold air that meats me outside the bathroom door and forget my good idea.
LOVE the last line. and i completely agree.
ReplyDeleteI am a fan of just keeping a sharpie behind your ear and writing directly on your skin.
ReplyDeleteOh man, I feel your pain on the writer's block. It's like constipation of the mind and when it hits there is no escaping it.
ReplyDeleteYour post was hilarious regardless of your writer's block, though. Really.
Oh man. This reminds me of a quote from Californication: "Why would anybody want to be a writer? It's like having homework every day for the rest of your life."
ReplyDeleteAlso, I'm pretty sure I agree with your mayo theory. Hunger and writer's block seem to go together a whole lot (the whole thing about starving writers being awesome... it's a myth! a myth!).
It's true, writing is a painful process. I often have strokes of "genius" when I'm out and I'll say that I'll remember to blog about it later, but then when I get home I never remember the idea.
ReplyDeletePS- I don't think you meant to use the word peruse here, though I could be wrong: "In my defense it’s just not that hygienic to write shit down while I’ m perusing the bathroom."
I don't believe in writer's block. I believe in writer's cock -- a physiological response wherein a writing idea is so good that it causes an erection.
ReplyDeleteI've got of it right now!
a case..
ReplyDeleteStaring at boobs never inspires me, it just makes me want to touch boobs.
ReplyDeleteMayo? Boobs? Yeah!!
ReplyDeletePot = Cure for Writers Block?
~ZFJ
Nat! Okay. First of all... All this talk of mayo got me thinking of this Cuban recipe. It's called "Imperial rice" And it's rice with chicken topped with cheese and a layer of mayo. ZOMG! So fucking good.
ReplyDeleteSo good in fact... I will make it for you when I go up to New York.
I want more posts on your self life. I demand them. Chop to it!
Looking at boobs usually causes me to write less.
ReplyDelete