My mother and I are obviously alike, but to be quite honest, I never truly understood to what extent.
Well…. I didn’t understand until the exact moment when my dad accidently grabbed my ass because…and I quote, “You look just like your mother from behind.”
It doesn’t end there. Oh, no no no no. Why would it? That’s just the tip of the iceberg. And while yes, we look exactly the same… is it really that weird for a 22 year-old daughter to look EXACTLY like her 52 year-old mother?
Isn’t that just the basic philosophy of Botox/Low-Carb Diets/the McLobster?
I shit you not a cashier once said to me and my mother….
“Well at least… when your mother dies, every time you look in the mirror…it will be like she never left.”
Needless to say, this didn’t exactly please my mother….
“What the fucking fuck?!”
And even with all this evidence just looming over my head, the real ephimamy didn’t quite hit until I revealed to my mother that when I iron (…which yes…is the only chore I do for them while I live in their house rent free…and yes, they also pay me to do…) I only wear a bra and underwear.
…for two reasons, assholes already judging me…1. I get really hot when I iron…I’m holding a fucking iron, god damnit….and… 2. I’m kind of a whore…
….hmm. That saying doesn’t seem to make as much sense on paper…
Anywho…It wasn’t until I told my mother this quaint little fact about myself, that she dropped a doozy of her own.
“Hmm, well that’s funny…cause when no one’s home…I clean naked.”
Like I said….Exact. Same. Person.
And it’s kinda of weird too, you know? To know what you future entails?
Like, I can tell you that my feet will stop smelling randomly at age 40.
My voice will never change…I will always sound like I’m 14.
The addiction to porn? Never-ending.
Regrettable tattoos? None…that I’m aware of.
So while you all freak about future your weight-gain/wrinkles/drooping balls and/or boobies I’m going to do what I do best, pop open a beer, turn on the tube and stare at the Miracle Whip container until I can turn in into mayo…with the power of my mind.