We are close…like really really close…we’ve even been likened to Seth and Evan from Superbad and I shit you not people were like… “Wait, what are you going to do without each other.”…. “Can there be one without the other.”… “Natalie? Whose going to spoon feed you mayo when you are too hung over to move?”
And we were all like (in perfect unison)… “Bitches, please…we’ll be fine…”
We weren’t. Well…I wasn’t.
The first month…I couldn’t sleep.
The second month…I started to uncontrollably twitch.
The eighth month you ask? Well, now I just drink heavily with my mother at night and ask questions like, “ How many sexual partners are too many sexual partners?”
But god when we are together it’s pure assholiness bliss…rolled up into cute little mayo balls and topped off with a cool refreshing budwiser (bud light to be exact).
So Ker Bear, this is pretty much my declaration of love to you because my period is coming and I’m like super duper emotional and I miss you…deal with it.
Remember when we were pissed off at the cunts that ran our apartment complex and we were going to call them and say our apartment was haunted? “Our apartment is haunted mother fuckers….fix it now! Get a priest up in this shit and save our souls!”
Or that one time those two douchebags were hitting on us in their car….and as we were screaming, “Fuck you, assholes!” (Even though they were technically hitting on us….) they crashed into the car in front of them.
Oh how we laughed and laughed and laughed.
And then there was the time at work when I was like, “I wonder what I feels like to get slapped with a loaf of bread?”
And you were like, “Let’s find out.”
And then you slapped me with a loaf of bread.
We just laughed and laughed and no one at work knew why were laughing as our faces turned purple…ah that was awesome….don’t worry Nick…we used a loaf that was going to be thrown away already.
Oh man and every time I called you right before any of your classes…. “Yeah so I skipped an bought a case….so um you should skip too.”
“Ehhhh, I should probably go to this class at least once this month.”
Only to have you call me back three minutes later…. “Well if you bring me a road beer…I’ll skip.”
Um yeah…let’s do that again.