Last May I graduated college… and I never thought it would this hard to be separated from my best friend…it’s like a part of my soul is missing…or like… going to make a sandwich only to realize there is no mayo left…and then I cry…yeah…that bad.
We are close…like really really close…we’ve even been likened to Seth and Evan from Superbad and I shit you not people were like… “Wait, what are you going to do without each other.”…. “Can there be one without the other.”… “Natalie? Whose going to spoon feed you mayo when you are too hung over to move?”
And we were all like (in perfect unison)… “Bitches, please…we’ll be fine…”
We weren’t. Well…I wasn’t.
The first month…I couldn’t sleep.
The second month…I started to uncontrollably twitch.
The eighth month you ask? Well, now I just drink heavily with my mother at night and ask questions like, “ How many sexual partners are too many sexual partners?”
But god when we are together it’s pure assholiness bliss…rolled up into cute little mayo balls and topped off with a cool refreshing budwiser (bud light to be exact).
So Ker Bear, this is pretty much my declaration of love to you because my period is coming and I’m like super duper emotional and I miss you…deal with it.
Remember when we were pissed off at the cunts that ran our apartment complex and we were going to call them and say our apartment was haunted? “Our apartment is haunted mother fuckers….fix it now! Get a priest up in this shit and save our souls!”
Or that one time those two douchebags were hitting on us in their car….and as we were screaming, “Fuck you, assholes!” (Even though they were technically hitting on us….) they crashed into the car in front of them.
Oh how we laughed and laughed and laughed.
And then there was the time at work when I was like, “I wonder what I feels like to get slapped with a loaf of bread?”
And you were like, “Let’s find out.”
And then you slapped me with a loaf of bread.
We just laughed and laughed and no one at work knew why were laughing as our faces turned purple…ah that was awesome….don’t worry Nick…we used a loaf that was going to be thrown away already.
Oh man and every time I called you right before any of your classes…. “Yeah so I skipped an bought a case….so um you should skip too.”
“Ehhhh, I should probably go to this class at least once this month.”
Only to have you call me back three minutes later…. “Well if you bring me a road beer…I’ll skip.”
Um yeah…let’s do that again.
That cracked me up about them crashing.
ReplyDeleteAwesome :)
ReplyDeleteI know how you feel.
ReplyDeleteMy best friend and I became really close towards the end of 11th grade and it stuck. She was always the person I never EVER thought I would be friends with but then we became inseparable. We really are the only ones who understand each other.
For college she went off to Washington, DC and I stayed in NYC.
It was tough. I went from seeing her every single day to almost never.
But we spoke all the time. And when she got BBM too, wow it was like we were never apart.
For the longest time she has been calling me DHo and I call her Ho ( our whorish ways might have started it but I'm not sure) and it's funny because all her friends in DC ask when Dho is coming and when I did, that is how they referred to me ( I am not even sure they know I have a real name) and the same goes with my friends.
Last night though, she left to Scotland for the semester, so this is pretty much going to suck !
While I admittedly kind of thought there might be some typical Natalie twist at the end (that you were really talking about some sort of sex act involving mayo as a lubricant), that was very sweet in a you kind of way. I know that feeling: just spent winter break hanging out with some super old friends of mine, one of whom I would spend 3-4 days straight just hanging out at his house during the summer.
ReplyDeleteEveryone needs a friend who can slap them in the face with stale bread.
I miss my closest boos too, but it makes our reunions that much more fun. This post was hilarious.
ReplyDeletethis is, strangely, one of the sweetest things i've read in quite some time. i miss my law-school best friend now...
ReplyDeleteAwwwww. I miss my best friend every day. She lives in NY :( That bitch! Moved to have a better life or whatever. How *dare* she?!
ReplyDeleteI laughed at you getting slapped with a loaf of bread. You're insane, Nat. I FUCKING LOVE IT.
You've got a great stream-of-consciousness style. I hung on every word.
ReplyDeleteAlso, I think it's cool that you and your mom drink together.
Serves those guys right to crash.
ReplyDeleteI miss having times like that with my friends.
http://theadorkableditzmissteps.blogspot.com/
Awh, good friends are hard to find. Sounds like you found a good one!
ReplyDeleteLiving apart from a best friend is so hard. Thank god for facebook and twitter.
God, I love my best friend. and I love hearing best friend stories. She sounds awesome. You guys need to reunite and have some Seth and Evan time.
ReplyDeleteAwww. That was incredibly sweet. Made me all emotional and want to call up my best friend and get wasted and make fun of b-movies and our other friends. But we did that last night and my liver hurts.
ReplyDeleteNot only do I miss my best friend like crazy, but I miss having all my friends live within walking distance. I can no longer just call them up and be like, "Hey, come help me figure out what to wear," or, "Hey, let's come over and make cookies and drink," or "Hey, wanna come over and watch Pirate porn?" And I miss that.
ReplyDelete