I’m a bitch, but whatever it works cause I’m funny. I think. However I have come to realize this bitchiness has sneaked its way into my sexual bedside manners. Not good. No guy wants a saracastic two-thumbs up, during your fake orgasm. Believe, I’ve tried.
So to save you, my 4 readers, from awkward before, during and after sex moments, I have ranked my top five bitchiest moves via sex, that you should never ever do when you are in a loving and sweet relationship… now if it’s just sex and you actually sort of hate the guy, then by all means, go for it.
5. AWKWARD 2 THUMBS UP.
Now, I know some guys think they are the shit in bed and yes, they do need to be knocked down a couple of notches, but this technique is just lazy women, and yes, quite unoriginal. Maybe you did have to get on top when you were a little too drunk and, maybe yes, doggy isn’t your favorite position. But being lazy just makes you look like a bitch. Just throw in a sarcastic, sigh, or a classic “you’re awesome at this…not!’’ Or even a classic, “Really? Really? You think that’s what you should be doing now?”
4. “DID YOU ‘O’?” “YES.” “HOW MANY TIMES?” SILENCE… “SO MANY…”
Okay, now obviously lying works. It really does. It has gotten me so many places. But lying works only when you commit to that lie. Remember what Costanza said, “It’s not a lie, if you believe it.” But when you don’t believe your own lie, you may inadvertently forced your man to stifle back tears as he cries in the back corner of your bathroom.
3. “DID YOU ‘O’”? “YES.” “REALLY?” “NO.”
The truth never makes people happy. It’s a gold mine for broken spirits and battered souls. Can’t take the criticism men, then stick to your hand. No more of this Cosmo, ‘This is how you make your man happy’ shit. We ladies want an orgasm, and if you can’t give it to us. Next please.
2. THE CLASSIC POINT TO THE SKY AND MAKE NO EYE CONTACT.
Is he gross? Does his sex face, look more like a rape face? It’s okay if you answered yes, we’ve all been there. Whatever, goes through a guys mind during sex, is beyond me. How am I supposed to know you like it, if you put a bag over my face? Anyways, this classic move is a win-win. You don’t have to watch the sweat drop from his beat red nose and he doesn’t have to watch you lie to yourself as you try to mak love with your eyes.
1.I’M ON MY PERIOD.
Don’t want to have sex with the guy? Screwing another guy when you get the 3 AM sexual text. Nothing is scarier to a man than blood, let alone blood out of your who-hah. One swift “I’m on my period,” text, and you just bought yourself 5-7 days to think of a new excuse to never have a sexual experience with that man again.
This actually made me laugh out loud!
ReplyDeleteNo guy wants a saracastic two-thumbs up, during your fake orgasm
Oh, the tears! Thankfully I am magic in the sack and none of these things have ever happened to me. Either that or I have never slept with a real bitch?
LOL this is great! I seriously am STILL laughing. Rape face!
ReplyDeleteApparently it's not funny to intentionally scream out someone else's name mid sex. It doesn't matter if you did it on purpose. They'll never believe you. Lesson learned.
ReplyDeleteMy new squeeze Brian on Family Guy loves doggy.
ReplyDeleteAlso, apparently it's not nice to huff and say, "For Christ sake, let me do it," while you push his fingers aside and finish yourself off beside him because for God's sake i'm not rough terrain you're attempting to drill for oil on.
ReplyDeleteYeah about that 3 readers bit...totally not true bitch.
ReplyDeleteFaking is a given guys should know. Why even ask how many times? I hate lying.
I have found the period thing to be ineffective on some unfortunate occasions so now I stick with the...I forgot to take my birth control for a few days so I am ripe for pregnancy. That buys you like a whole month or two so you can get back on your "schedule."
ReplyDelete"Does his sex face look more like rape face?"
ReplyDeleteClassic.
I once opened my eyes during a tryst and quickly shut them again because the guy who was banging me was staring at my boobs doing their thing (big boobs, lots of jiggling), licking his lips, and had some sort of crazed gleam in his eyes.
Very frightening indeed.
hahaha - yes. love it.
ReplyDeleteCheck out my blog, I gave you an award ;)
ReplyDeletehahahaha! I loved this! Do me a favor though, would ya? Write a post about 5 lies to get out of (gay)sex too please? Sometimes, i am just not in the mood....but Skyler is freaking persistent...some help?
ReplyDeletelol
loved this!
Lol, this was quite the awesome post. Just one thing... I thought the thumbs up was a genuine gesture.
ReplyDeleteMake it 5 readers.
ReplyDeleteI wonder if men who say "Who's your daddy?" make rape faces?
ReplyDeleteI'm married and still manage to use the "on my period" excuse quite often. If my husband was smart, he's wisen up to the fact that woman typically only bleed once a month, but whatever.
ReplyDelete"I'm on my period." is my favorite anti-hookup excuse...except when they are pathetic enough to ask to "hold me." BARF!
ReplyDeleteSound advice. I got married largely to dodge the above pitfalls!
ReplyDeletehahahaha, hilarious. i think i love you.
ReplyDeleteActually, bf and I just "I'm too lazy." and "Yeah, I am too" and then we hang around in the couch instead. Gotta work on that bit really..
ReplyDeleteOn the porn. Good LORD, there's a LOT of porn out there. And the majority of it sucks. Literally. What's the deal with dudes and blowjobs. If I have to watch another sloppy blowjob again, I'll scream.