So it has recently come to my attention that I am no longer on my parents health insurance, and…um…yeah, it’s safe to say that now I’m freaking the fuck out.
I don’t think you quite understand how my mind works, while yes my brain talks in constant perverse one-liners; my mind also has a very dark side. A very dark, superstitious, slightly OCD side…and then I freak the fuck out.
I blame Catholicism for that one, you god damn superstitious fucks.
And now with this new development, I’m afraid to do anything, and I mean anything.
For example, I shouldn’t be writing this post. One, I’m superstitious as fuck and don’t want to jinx myself and two, what if my macbook gets like really, really fucking hot (like it always does) and then burns my stomach/thighs/love junk?
What if I get carpal tunnel from writing too much at a 90 degree angle? My wrist has been hurting a lot lately…is that a symptom? What if it’s broken? Or a hairline fracture? Maybe it’s just gas…
I’ll WebMD that shit tonight…that will make me feel better, or tell me I’m dying…I’ve heard it’s a very reliable source.
And, and, and, I can’t eat. What if I choke? And, and, and, I can’t not not eat. What if I starve to death? And I definitely can’t spray icing on mini-donuts anymore…god damn you, possible chance of type 2 diabetes, god damn you.
And I definitely can’t do the laundry anymore. What if I trip and fall over the pile of dirty clothes…nope, nope, nope…we just can’t have that. I think febreezing them will suffice. Wait…those fumes aren’t toxic right?
Shut up. I’m pretty, don’t contradict me.
Wait, why is my stomach hurting now? Is that from the laptop? Mad cow diease? SARS?
Fuck.
What is that saying? “An apple a day will keep the mad cow away?”
Great, lack of health insurance, great. I don’t fruit…ever… Unless there is a –tini behind the name or a carmel in front of it’s name.
Maybe if I just shotgun a shit-ton of vitamin gummies with some boxed-wine it will diffuse the situation.... yeah, yeah, yeah, that will work... I don't need health insurance...I'll just drink a shit ton of wine.
Wine is considered a fruit, right?
Wine is most definitely considered a fruit.
ReplyDeleteYeah- things could go bad real quick here. SAD DAY. ;)
ReplyDeleteWine is totally fruit... at least thats what I tell myself when I'm trying to decide if should have another glass (the answer is always yes). Also, STAY AWAY FROM WEBMD... that site is fricken evil!
ReplyDeleteShut up. I’m pretty, don’t contradict me.
ReplyDelete-best line ever. I may have to quote you on that one.
Also wine fixes everything. fact. So drink up pretty. Cheers!!
LOL I AGREE!!! wine is made from grapes so yep. fruit.
ReplyDeleteHilarious! Yep, start taking those vitamins and down a glass of wine everyday and you should be in the clear~! : ) Oh, and get on some cheap health insurance too. Peace of mind never hurts.
ReplyDeleteI looked it up. Wine is a food group.
ReplyDeleteWine cures all is my motto I'm sticking to it, so should you.
ReplyDeleteI haven't had health insurance for nearly three years now. It's not so bad. Get a grip!! I don't know how old you are, but according to Obama you can stay on your parent's plan until you're 26.
ReplyDeleteI'm with you and the wine. Go for it you crazy hypochondriac, you.
ReplyDeleteWine is a cure all. It also goes great with cheese! Uh oh...wait a minute if you have cheese, won't that cause some kind of crazy new disease that there is now cure for? Haha! I just brain-ninja you!
ReplyDeleteever since i lost my job, i won't have health insurance again until next year. and YES i drink a glass of wine every night because i think it stimulates something in my body and keeps it nice and warm. so there you go...wine. the cure all. it's your only hope at survival.
ReplyDeleteYou just gave so many people agita, ms gassy. I think you need a joint. Why is everything good and bad for you and dangerous and safe all at once? wahhhh
ReplyDeletevery good stuff man...
ReplyDeleteJust breathe and relax (Although not too much because your muscles can atrophy).
ReplyDeleteWine is a fruit AND full of antioxidants. So is chocolate. Work it.
ReplyDeleteLast night on a TV show this kid asked his parents "What kind of insurance do we have?" To which they replied with an uproar of laughter and said, "HA! Yeah, Insurance! We'll just have the butler got get it out of the Hot Air Balloon!"
ReplyDeleteI am personally waiting until a lot of things are wrong with me to go in for my annual gyno appt and see if I can con him into fixing it all for the price of one visit!
I was taken off my parent's insurance when I got into college. Suffice it to say, I have to make sure I don't so much as stub a fucking toe that way I don't have to go to the doctor for anything. Because I've already got a gallbladder surgery I still have to pay off. Not fun.
ReplyDeleteyou can always go to the emergency room if anything bad happens, you'll be in debt the rest of your life but its something
ReplyDeleteVitamin gummies are the shit.
ReplyDeleteAlso, once you've imagined something happening in great deal it cannot happen. I don't mean you saying "if grandma dies, that'd suck" and the next day she does. I mean you imagine your stomach actually burning a portion of your skin and the skin coming off when you pick up the computer. Did you picture it? Good, now it can't happen!
That's the only insurance I use these days and I'm totally fine!
The funny thing is I can relate to that paranoia. Now take bee pollen before you pass out.
ReplyDeleteAh! A fellow former catholic. I like it how we always tend to become total sluts once we see the light. Almost without exception, I'm no different. I've also slept with a girl who was a staunch believer that we gave the best sex (we being former catholics). I like to imagine that now she specifically seeks out former catholics because I, and others, were so amazing. Good plan with the wine drinking.
ReplyDeleteI tried to comment on this yesterday but for some unknown reason blogger got all huffy and decided i was not worthy of commenting.
ReplyDeleteI sympathise with your burnt thighs. My mac regularly gives me electronic burns, i swear i'm getting radiation poisening off this thing, but heck it's better than trying to deal with a PC.
See, the key here is to make sure you get hurt at work. Or at least make it look like you got hurt at work. Workmen's Comp for the win!
ReplyDeleteDidn't Liz Lemon have a similar fear?
ReplyDeleteI agree--wine is so a fruit!!
ReplyDelete