I don’t think you quite understand how my mind works, while yes my brain talks in constant perverse one-liners; my mind also has a very dark side. A very dark, superstitious, slightly OCD side…and then I freak the fuck out.
I blame Catholicism for that one, you god damn superstitious fucks.
And now with this new development, I’m afraid to do anything, and I mean anything.
For example, I shouldn’t be writing this post. One, I’m superstitious as fuck and don’t want to jinx myself and two, what if my macbook gets like really, really fucking hot (like it always does) and then burns my stomach/thighs/love junk?
What if I get carpal tunnel from writing too much at a 90 degree angle? My wrist has been hurting a lot lately…is that a symptom? What if it’s broken? Or a hairline fracture? Maybe it’s just gas…
I’ll WebMD that shit tonight…that will make me feel better, or tell me I’m dying…I’ve heard it’s a very reliable source.
And, and, and, I can’t eat. What if I choke? And, and, and, I can’t not not eat. What if I starve to death? And I definitely can’t spray icing on mini-donuts anymore…god damn you, possible chance of type 2 diabetes, god damn you.
And I definitely can’t do the laundry anymore. What if I trip and fall over the pile of dirty clothes…nope, nope, nope…we just can’t have that. I think febreezing them will suffice. Wait…those fumes aren’t toxic right?
Shut up. I’m pretty, don’t contradict me.
Wait, why is my stomach hurting now? Is that from the laptop? Mad cow diease? SARS?
What is that saying? “An apple a day will keep the mad cow away?”
Great, lack of health insurance, great. I don’t fruit…ever… Unless there is a –tini behind the name or a carmel in front of it’s name.
Maybe if I just shotgun a shit-ton of vitamin gummies with some boxed-wine it will diffuse the situation.... yeah, yeah, yeah, that will work... I don't need health insurance...I'll just drink a shit ton of wine.
Wine is considered a fruit, right?