Nature. Not impressed. It’s so tall and arrogant. Like, “look at me my pretty leaves sway in the wind as I blow gnats into your face.” You little whore. Waving your leaves for all the boys to see. That’s what skanks do nature. That’s what skanks do.
And don’t be such a cliché, nature…that annoys me. And why do you have to be such a bitch? You just can’t seem wait another month for me to lose my summer weight, now can yah? Oh no of course not, Mother Nature. You want the whole world to see my muffin top….bitch.
Honestly, nature you have become a drain on the society. With all your “save me! Save me!” bullshit. Beggars disgust me, and you nature, are a beggar. You don’t see me begging passerby’s for Tasti-Delite, now do you? Okay only on Friday… whatever, fuck you, I have needs.
I think we can all agree that technology supplies that with the sufficient amount of nature to satisfy our natural needs. If you even have any. You sick fuck.
If I could sum up nature with one word it would be, “meh, it looks better on TV.”
When I want to see nature at its “finest” (which is never) I’ll just DVR the Discovery Channel or watch Shark Week high.
I’ve never trusted nature, and I never will. What are you hiding up in those red woods, you sadist bastards? It seems like some voodoo magic to me. Think I’m crazy? Well we’ll just see whose laughing when the Velociraptors come out at night during your “night hike”. And who the fuck hikes at night? Velociraptors with guns, that’s who. Well them and liberal hippie douches.
We need to be careful, or nature will try to fight for it’s natural right on this planet. Which, um hello, it has no right. Can nature vote during presidential elections? Does nature shovel Ben & Jerry’s into its mouth when Joey doesn’t call when he said he would? Does wear pants?
No. It doesn’t.
Know your role, nature. Know your role. Or we’ll just keep replacing you with those synthetic plants from Home Depot.
God, I love synthetic plants. They're like fake boobs, pretty all the time and hardly requiring attention.
ReplyDeleteBut I love nature as well Paigie bear. I love nature as well.
Screw nature! I only plan on being alive for another fifty years or so, so let's burn it down! Burn, mother fucking nature, burn!
ReplyDeleteHow does Annah always have the first comment on every blog I read? It's impossible... She must get a notification to her phone, or something.
Damn skippy! Nature always trying to pull the wool over our eyes!
ReplyDeletegive me internet and air conditioning anyday
ReplyDeletegreat blog
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I hate how nature loves to screw us. We'll be all prepared for a freaking thunderstorm and the next day not a cloud in the sky and you have to replan your wardrobe and route to school and whatnot. Fuck you nature, and you're little poppyseeds too!
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God, I fucking HATE nature!! My husband tried to drag me camping this weekend. CAMPING. Outside. With bugs and fresh air for miles. And he expected me to not only jump at the opportunity, but to actually be thrilled to take part in wildernessy things. I said fuck you, I want a divorce. Just kidding, but I seriously considered it.
ReplyDeleteTsaritsa I just read minds honey. That's why I have the first comment. lol
ReplyDeleteNo really, I just don't have anything to do at this temp "job" of mine. So I read blogs. And fashion websites. It's a rather have life, really.
oooooooh, you better retract this post or nature is going to GET YOU! lol
ReplyDeleteI like nature, except when it tries to kill me through pollen... that tends to happen a lot.
ReplyDeleteIf you didn't already know your true calling is to be a comedienne - i'd try to convince the shit outta you!!!
ReplyDeleteAwesome & hilarious...again :D
I remember Tasti-Delight! There was one right by my school...I'd always psych myself up for one, and then I'd buy it, eat it...and feel vaguely sad afterward because - that wasn't like ice cream at ALL.
ReplyDeleteDon't forget that nature is also a cold-hearted bitch. Seriously, what is the point of winter? Everything and everyone is miserable in winter. So we can add sadist to the list, too.
ReplyDelete:D
(P.S. Sorry if I already posted something like this... I'm having issues commenting!)
I know what you mean: I love those synthetic plants from Home Depot!
ReplyDeleteAs for the muffin top, those cute baby doll tops can hide everything!
I love when you talk about liberal hippie douches. That's the best paragraph I've read since you talked about white people needing skittles after sex, and by skittles you mean Xanax, and by Xanax you mean exactly...
ReplyDelete:)
I love how you put nature in her place here. "Know your role." I'm going to start saying that to people who serve me like my grocer and Starbucks cashier. I like the sound of it.
ReplyDeleteShark week. That's all the nature I need.
I'm with you. I like having the Discovery Channel filter through all the crappy nature and bringing me only the best. Plus, if you tried Shark Week in real life, it would be more like Missing Limb Week.
ReplyDeleteHahah Who does hike at night? Night hiking WTF, really? Hiking is bad enough in the daylight, let alone actually trying to navigate my way around natures weed traps and wild beasts in the pitch black!
ReplyDeleteNature is waging a war on my sinus cavity RIGHT THIS MINUTE. She's winning. Bitch.
ReplyDeleteUgh give me a fake plant anyday, fuck nature It looks great on all the shows and yes its wonderful and beautiful - except I've never seen it so I don't care!
ReplyDeletelol this is hilarious.
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