I’m a slut for ice cream. Jesus Christ, am I ever.
Well… more accurately, I’m a prostitute for ice cream.
Seriously, if someone tried to barter sex with ice cream…I’d hesitate. There would be no “what the fuck” exclamation or some immediate look of disgust and/or constipation. More of a “this guy gets me”/ “did I just meet my soul mate” look.
It’s sad really. I’d have sex in exchange for some Tasti-D Lite. To be quite honest, Tasti-Delight is legal tender in my fantasy world, as it should be in everyone’s fantasy world.
And if you don’t know what Tasti-D Lite is, get the fuck out of my face, get on Google maps, find the nearest one, buy a pint, come back to my face, spoon feed me the whole pint, and then we’ll have sex.
I may be a little gassy though…. Dairy products always seem to make me gassy…
Like I’ve said before (and if you haven’t already noticed) my life is pathetic/sick/mildly entertaining for anyone how is not me.
My top favorite places in NYC are Tasti-D Lite, Yogurtland, Serendipity, (terrible movie, fucking awesome ice-cream) and McDonalds. I don’t care if there are McDonalds everywhere in the fucking world; their ice cream is like fucking crack. And for that I will always be indebted to Ronald McDonald, you brilliant, brilliant clown you.
I have an addiction. Seriously. I have to eat it everyday or I go ape-shit.
Ever see the movie Requiem for a Dream? That’s my life in a nutshell. And by Requiem for a Dream I mean Teenaged Mutant Ninja Turtles. And by Teenaged Mutant Ninja Turtles I mean, The Apple Dumpling Gang. But I think you get the similarities.
But I may have/probably/most definitely woken up half-naked in a pool of my own vomit before…and by before I mean yesterday.
I wish we could do more things with ice cream really. I wish we could snort it, inject it into our veins, use it as shampoo/body wash/lotion.
I’m pretty sure ice cream is the elixir of life. I’m also pretty sure a pint of Ben and Jerry’s would end the war on terror.
What if bullets were made out of ice cream?! Dear god, why hasn’t anyone thought of this before.
And, I think I just figured out how I’m going to get rich, bitches.
HAAA!!! Ice Cream rules the world!! It's perfect!
ReplyDeleteI'm a doughnut whore... I'll sleep with anyone who'll buy me a hot fresh cream stick. It's usually mother though, and thank God she doesn't expect that sort of thing from me.
ReplyDelete*I carry around gas ex breath mint strips in my purse for just such occasions. They work wonders and you get fresh breath increasing your chances of sex by quite a bit. Not that gassy sex isn't entertaining, it is; it's just not something I want to do all the time.
<< I wish we could do more things with ice cream really. I wish we could snort it, inject it into our veins, use it as shampoo/body wash/lotion. >>
ReplyDeleteBeen there. Done that.
I found out I was allergic to dairy 18 months ago and it counts as one of the worst 3 days of my life. Seriously. But fuck it, I still eat pizza and McDonald's ice cream. Crack is a very accurate way to describe it.
ReplyDeleteHahaha, this is amazing. Ice cream IS legal tender, btw. Totally. Legal. Tender.
ReplyDeleteits almost like the "what would you do for a Klondike bar" type deal...lol I'd bitch slap OBAMA and his whole family for a months supply of cookies n cream ice cream!!
ReplyDeleteHoly fucking hell... saw your comment on my blog, (thank ye, thank ye) and had to see yours.
ReplyDeleteThis shit is fantastic.
We need to get together and eat pizza and ice cream until we are so messed up we can't even blog. Or speak. Or something.
I am about to Google it as a matter of fact i am doing as we speak. But in my barter we have to exchange at the same time, don't want you to get too high inter i inject all that Ben and Jerry in your Vein then our deal is off.
ReplyDeleteI like this Post.
Just don't put any ice cream in your hoo-hah...though I wonder how fast it would melt. Pretty quickly I'd imagine.
ReplyDeleteI answered your "fantasy" question by the way...thanks for writing in :)
I can easily gorge on ice cream and would happily do so every day. Every single day.
ReplyDeleteI have also traded sexual favors for ice cream.
ReplyDeleteIt was with my husband though, so it's not gross or sad... right?
I like ice cream too, but not enough to shoot it up in my veins. Heh.
ReplyDeleteWhatever you do, don't make an ice cream dildo- i read that you could get some serious infections from that...just sayin.
ReplyDeleteI can do gelato. I can do Pinkberry. I can do milkshakes.
ReplyDeleteI cannot do ice cream.
BUT HAVE YOU BEEN TO POPBAR? Oh my god. I cannot live in a world where there is not made-to-order gelato on a stick.
I'm a whore for French Vanilla.
ReplyDeleteAll year I look forward to Edy's (actually it's Dreyer's out here)seasonal Candy Cane ice cream.
ReplyDeleteHaha, brilliant! IceCream is the shit (no pun intended towards your gas issues).
ReplyDeleteFlavor preference or will any do? Personally, I like inventing new flavors.
I swear ice cream could cure the worlds problems. It could be a decent substitute for sex but it definitely a fun addition...one of my ex's ate ice cream off my stomach once and I couldn't sit back and enjoy it because I was so fucking pissed he wasn't sharing...selfish!!
ReplyDeleteAnyway, I wanted to put a cherry, whipped cream, hot fudge and sprinkles on top of your ice cream and let you know you got a Blog Award!!! You can claim it here...
http://daterview.blogspot.com/2010/09/like-hundred-kisses.html
Now go grab my two favorite men, ben and jerry, and celebrate
I feel the same way about ice cream and chocolate... and cupcakes. I start twitching if I don't have one or all of the above at least 6 times a week.
ReplyDeleteOh man... ice cream is so... I have no words. It's just good. This post reminded me of this one time in Florida, when I was really hot, and probably a little dehydrated. I finally get a bottle of water and the FIRST THING I told my friend after taking that first sip was, "Man, if a guy would have given me this water, there would be no question as to whether or not I'd bang him. Done and done." Hahaha! Good times...
ReplyDeleteI am SO glad I'm not the only person in the world who thinks McDonald's ice cream is the greatest. In fact I even prefer it to Tasti Dlite.
ReplyDeleteYou know what's good in NYC? Mangoberry. Is that what it's called? or redmango? Something like that. OMG I love that!
Oh girl, I'm a total whore for ice cream too. It's ridiculous!
ReplyDeleteGuess what! I gave you an award! Check it out at: http://mscodependent.blogspot.com/2010/09/awardi-has-one.html
ReplyDeleteI want no less than 200 rounds, .45 caliber, of ice cream bullets. Also, I can field test them on ninja missions for you if you cut me a discount. Oh, and I like you much more knowing that you will exchange sex for ice cream. It's always good to have a ninja like you.
ReplyDeleteNinja stuff:
WhatWouldNinjaDo