Wednesday, September 15, 2010

Help Me...

Unemployment has made me realize one thing, that I can never ever ever become a housewife.

My hardest decision of the day has become whether or not to watch porn on this beautiful morning. And honestly, Wizards of Cocks just isn’t that entertaining after the umpteenth time.

“I’ll get you my pretty and your little penis too!”

It’s crazy how quickly our fantasies become our nightmares…

And the worst part is Wizards of Cocks isn't even a real porno. (That I know of, at least.) I just have so much free time on my hands, a whole whopping 24 hours a day, that I just made that up.

Help me…hire me…buy me a male prostitute…anything to get me out of this weird funk.

I’m going crazy!

I just sprayed vanilla icing on a mini donut… that will probably be the highlight of my day.

I’ve even become that girl…. that girl who talks about her blog constantly. It’s so sad. I won’t even leave the house anymore because I don’t want people to see the sick monster I’ve become.

“Who’s that?”

“Don’t you remember her?! That’s that girl who talks about her blog.”

“Disgusting.”

“Yeah, and it’s not even that good.”

I fall asleep to The Nanny and wake up to Dora the Explorer (I sleep with the TV on, its not like I like Dora or some weird shit like that).

I’ve thought of a million ways to kill Dora actually. Throw head into a microwave. Shove her into a cockfight. Give Boots a hand knife and let that crazy monkey have at it.
Again…I’m going crazy.

My parents have a cockatoo. I shit you not, a cockatoo. A teenaged cockatoo, that thinks its soooooooooooo much fun to scream 16 hours a day. That little shit. That too has also been added to the list of “things I dream of killing.” Dora the Explorer…the cockatoo…the one person who actually thinks George Lopez is funny.

Seriously who the fuck is that one person who finds George Lopez funny? You’re ruining late night television for everyone you sick fuck.

God, I need help…

27 comments:

  1. I fall asleep to Family Guy and wake up to Pokemon. Add Pokemon too your list, too...but please, take out that one person who thinks George Lopez is funny first. He deserves it most.

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  2. I once had a breathing test in a hospital where the goal was to get Dora from one side of a river, to the other, in a hot air balloon, by blowing into a tube (I requested a 'big girl' test considering I was in my later-20s, but was ignored). I wasn't having a very good breathing day and...well...Dora drowned. The tech said it was the first time that she hadn't made it across. Thought you may like to add that to your list of ways she can die.

    Here, here on George Lopez too; he's the worst.

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  3. I just want you to know that, if it's any consolation, I would totally watch that porno.

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  4. As an unemployed lady myself, I find that it has become a huge burden for me to even put on jeans and a shirt that is appropriate for the public eye if I HAVE to leave the house. My biggest decision is usually which pair of pajamas will fit around my food baby the best. Sweet!

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  5. That was me when I was unemployed. It's fun for the first few weeks but then the whole broke-ass-broke thing sort of pisses in your coffee.

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  6. I'm in that unemployed boat too. It's terrible. But I'm glad to know I'm not the only one who is quickly turning into that girl who talks about her blog too much. I'm beginning to learn that when a friend in real life asks me how my day went, they're not really interested in hearing how many hits my blog got. *sigh*

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  7. hahaha i know the feeling well, when i was unemployed it drove me insane! In fact that was the reason i started my blog.

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  8. Ha, I'm glad I'm not the only one blogging about the insanity that starts to creep into your mind when you're unemployed.

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  9. Oh my god, we have more in common than I ever imagined! And here I thought we were different plaines of reality. I can unfortunately relate to much of your post. Except for me its my sister's modern auto-tuned to shit music that blares most hours of the day, my dog only barks constantly like 6 hours a day no matter what.

    Quote of the day as shouted at me: "You think sex is all there is to it!"

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  11. I'm also unemployed. My dad has this stupid bird (zebra finch i think) that chirps away constantly. I might go throttle it later- not like i have much else to do.

    highlight of my day was the 3 hour kip i had because i was bored and couldn't think of anything else to do.

    basically, if you find out the cure to the unemployment-bores please let us all know

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  12. You do not become a 'housewife' *PUKE*

    You become a Trophy Wife... Like ME...

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  13. You're fine...it sounds like you just need to get involved in a fuck-fest. Everything should pan out okay from there. Life evens out sooner or later.

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  14. :) I don't even know what to say. Hopefully it's ok that I found your thought process for the day hilarious.

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  15. haha my best friend sleeps with her TV on and every time I crash there, I always wake up to Dora

    I hope you get a job (and lots of penis) asap : )

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  16. Hey...I love The George Lopez Show. The sitcom...not that nightly block party he has on the CW or TBS or whatever generic cable network that piece of shit is on. His mother is hilarious. She makes the show, I think. Anyway, I know how you feel. I'm unemployed as well. It sucks major monkey balls.

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  17. No, don't get help... then your blog might become so less entertaining. ;)

    Down with George Lopez.

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  18. ok so i have two theories on why you friended me on 20sb:

    1) you were so bored by your unemployment.

    2) you found out that i find George Lopez to be super funny and want to kill me.

    lol thank you for befriending me...i think?

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  19. I love how you fall asleep watching Nickelodeon. Nice... :)

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  20. All I did when I was unemployed was drink, watch TV and write on my blog, so I totally get it. Finally I got a treadmill so I could watch TV while not sitting on my ass. But my water bottle was full of vodka so, yaaaa...

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  21. You're fun! As for porn and George Lopez, I'd say they rank pretty much the same on my "don't have time for" meter, but wish I could at least say I saw some to judge whether or not I like.
    See, I bet you feel better about your unemployment now!

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  22. Find some odd jobs on Craigslist, but be smart about it. It has worked for me in the past - and given me a story or two to tell.

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  23. HAHAHA oh my god, you're hilarious. I'm a new follower from 20sb.

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  24. Ugh. I've been out of work since May 2009, and I am completely losing my mind. I have become even more bitter and angry and every once in a while I'll go, "FUCK ALL OF THEM." Except I'm not sure who I'm saying that about.

    Whoops.

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  25. DUDE - you don't need to be unemployed to fantasize about killing DORA! What ever happened to She-Ra?? Punky?? Thundercats? Good wholesome TV shows that taught us how to kick ass, accessorize, fight evil, etc.? Perhaps the cartoonists should indeed "Give Boots a hand knife and let that crazy monkey have at it." if only to teach little children what happens when you hold animals in captivity for too long?

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  26. You could always try your hand at stand-up comedy

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  27. Damn. I must now blogroll you as I find you to be very funny, even in your pain.

    Don't know about George Lopez, but very interested to hear more about this Wizard of Cocks idea.

    COuld be some potential there...

    - B x

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