Dear America,
I’m sick of seeing morbidly obese women fashioning a tube-top or worse…muffin top. Yes, America, I get that muffin top is in style but one day it will end and you’re just going to feel stupid… and disgusting and sexually repulsive. And let’s be honest you already are.
So to help I’m bestowing my mother’s secret(s) to weight loss success. No, it’s not “counting calories” or “exercising.” That nonsense is for pussies.
1. Chew and Spew.
Now, chew and spew doesn’t translate into bulimia, because you technically never swallow the food. You “chew” then “spew.” It’s like a lighter version of regurgitation; except instead of feeding a baby bird (if you were a bird), you’re just spitting into a trash can/ toilet/ your neighbor’s mailbox. The whole idea is to allow your mind to savor the sweet nectars of the fried/diabetes infused/ heart attack causing food, while reminding your body that you are a part of society that should enter Biggest Loser.
2. Sugar Alcohol.
I don’t think people realize how much shit is inside of them. Twelve pounds on average. So why not shove 13 Atkins bars loaded with sugar alcohol into your black hole of a mouth and just wait for the pounds to slide neatly out of your butt. Except it may not “slide” out per say. You might/possibly/definitely will experience 7 to 8 hours of horrible cramping, butt leakage, and fatal gas. It’s just like having diarrhea, except in this case you did on purpose.
3. Fiber Gummies.
They look so innocent, all tasty and poop enhancing. But I will admit they are the best way to lose weight the lazy way. With 2.5 grams of fiber in each gummy, just by dropping 19 gummies on top of your diabetes sundae you’ll be peeing out of your butt hole all night long. And that is a great night in my book. Eat fiber, poop out pounds. It’s basic geometry.
I feel like if geometry had been explained to me like that back in high school I would have done much better for myself in it.
ReplyDeleteSeriously?
ReplyDeleteOkay bitch... I need 6lbs OFF NOW... Step 2 and 3 and I'll be good to fucking go???
ReplyDeleteI dont have the will power to spew, but I'm ok with the poo! gummies on top of a diabetes sundae, here i come!
ReplyDeleteThere was this girl on Intervention who would chew up food and spit it into a cup. It was really disgusting. The best way to lose weight is eating more fresh fruits and uncooked vegetables and drinking a lot more water. So many people don't do this.
ReplyDeleteI... I...
ReplyDeleteI am intrigued.
I'm one of those people with a fast metabolism rate that enables me to eat whatever and never work out yet always remain thin, jealous? Even when I worked out everyday for the Air Force I didn't gain or lose weight, I just gained muscle. I've been 5'11/150 since my mid-teens and it barely fluctuates.
ReplyDeleteIronically, attractive women tell me they are fat or "feel" fat all the time, yet no actual fat women do. To quote my co-worker, "I haven't been down to 200 pounds since 9th grade whoo-hoo!"
Got another acutal money making assignment doing lame academic writing. So lame, my hispanic female friend once masturbated to my writing and told me I had such a promising career in erotic fiction!
Oh...I definitely love your dieting tips!! Hm...I am not sure I'd be able to chew and not swallow though... :(
ReplyDeleteWe prefer the Chew and Spew Method. No fuss, no muss. We spit into our mom's oatmeal bowl, though.
ReplyDeleteWe just wanted to remind you that we love reading your blog!
I saw that episode of Intervention too ...won't be intentionally letting chewed food come out of my mouth. I'm perfectly ok with poo though. Totally.
ReplyDeleteThank you for checking me out on 20sb and for checking my blog! I'm happy I stopped by -- dig your blog.
I knew a guy who would do the chew and spew!! But he would do it in public.. I think its something I would do while consuming food alone just because it’s a little weird. I have considered it but I have no will power and I end up just swallowing. Besides I don’t usually chew my food in the first place I unhinge my jaw and inhale food.. The fiber thing has been working though. I hate metamucil its disgusting but hey in the end its worth it.
ReplyDeletePs. I hate seeing fat people muffin tops… not cool get clothes that fit!! I cant even stand looking at my own muffin top when I have it in clothes and I am normal weight.
Sweetie, I work at Walmart...there are more muffin tops walking around there than there are in the freakin' bakery!
ReplyDeleteMy best weight loss tip...have sex more often! You'll burn some calories, it will take your mind off food, and you'll be so embarrassed my your jiggly thighs that you will be inspired to lose even more!
Explosive diarrhea solves weight problems?
ReplyDeleteYeah. Sure it does. If that's the case, I should be a size 2.
Don't forget Alli, the wondrous fat-seeping-out-of-your-butt pill.
ReplyDeleteOh my gosh, is it bad that I might give some of these tips a try?? ;-)
ReplyDeletelmfao best tip ever: drink a gallon of water a day...you'll be too full off water to over eat :)
ReplyDelete