Monday, August 23, 2010

My worst fear

My biggest fear if I ever become a successful stand-up comedian with my own television special (now this wouldn’t be for a long time seeing as I still need to do the whole “stand-up” part) is the inevitable fact that some guy I’ve screwed is going to be flipping through the channels, recognize my face/shrill voice/cankles, turn to the first person next to him, whether it a roommate/stranger/cellmate and say:

“Dude…fucked her.”

And now, it’s not really the guy I screwed I’m worried about because yeah, whatever, I made my bed now I have to lie in it. It’s the roommate’s/stranger’s/cellmate’s reaction I’m worried about.

“Gross….” Or “Nice…”

Look, cellmate 17389 you don’t know me. Maybe I chugged a few too many wine coolers that night, and Joey called me fat, okay? And I loved Joey and he didn’t love me back, and I was feeling chunky that night. And maybe, just maybe, your buddy, cellmate 71377 or as I like to call him, Jorge, told me I was a fine slice of white-heaven as he held my hair back while I vomited on his shoes.

Would you say no to that, cellmate 17389? Would you?!

Or maybe the guy I screwed was way out of my league. It doesn’t matter that it’s taking him way tooooooooo long to figure out that simple math in his head, stranger who is at a loss for words. And maybe, just maybe, he likes high-fiving more than the average male. Whatever, he’s hot, dumb and was filled with the adequate amount of ruffies at the time. Sorry if I saw this golden opportunity and jumped on it… literally.

I’m an opportunist, not a thismightbewrongist.

Jeez….

25 comments:

  1. likes high-fiving more then the average male... love

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  2. Hey, as long as the ruffies don't wear off and he doesn't talk, I'll take a dumb, pretty guy. Hell, at this point, maybe even just oretty.

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  3. "I’m an opportunist, not a thismightbewrongist." = Favorite sentence ever in regards to sexual possibilities. Awesome.

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  4. you know i wouldn't give a F*** if i was you!

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  5. Sounds like serious stand up material. You are rather hilarious!

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  6. Dude, I'm agreeing with Casey on this. Turn all of that into a part of your stand-up routine and go for the dream NOW! Seize the moment... you know, like you seize the moment with the guys you were talking about and... Ugh. There was funny there and then I lost it because of ADD.

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  7. I have the same irrational fear. Some of my former conquests are kind of embarrassing and I don't want that info leaked out, though I doubt I'll ever be famous...

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  8. Touche. You gotta be an opportunist in this world!!

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  9. Holy hell this post was funny! I've moved out of small towns for this very reason! hahaha!! Love it and am a total fan! :)

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  10. This post should be titled, "One of Unfortunate Side Effects of Feminism/the Feminist Revolution." That unfortunate side effect being, women think its "liberating/okay" to have more dicks than a private detective agency, when its really not for several valid reasons (I have no double standard for men here either). I'm a non-con/repub hetero male whose been accused of "making it all about sex" more than once saying this btw. Then women wonder why men don't respect them, don't call back, or treat them poorly. I'm not saying that is right or that you deserve it, I'm just explaining why it probably happens.

    Now I know I'm going to piss the thousands of female fans of this blog off so feel free to go to ilikeyounowgohome.blogspot.com, comment moderation is not turned on and I won't delete anything so you can curse me and tell me how much you want to castrate and kill me all you want!

    For the record, I think you, author woman whose name escapes me atm, are cool and would be fun to hang out with and if your ever in my state, which I'm sure you will be we since you probably like nyc, should definitely hang. No disrespect. I'd buy, theres a good reason to.

    Maybe I'm just jealous I was never anybodies drunken mistake except for my parents.

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  11. If this is your worst fear, I'd say you are doing pretty good. Great material! Hopefully these cell mates were put away for a good, nonviolent reason :P

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  12. Dudette, you and me we're on the same page. I have the same fear.

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  13. Ya know, this has actually happened to me whilst sitting before a TV... twice actually. The first one didn't surprise me (when you hook-up with a minor TV talking head, you have to know you'll see her at some point.) The second time was a particular shock as it wasn't so much "dude, been there; done that" but more along the lines of "are you fucking kidding me, that's the girl I was with for my first ever all-day-her-mom's-not-home-make-out-session... what the hell is she doing on Chelsea Lately."

    And for the record, I was just flipping channels, not actually watching Ms. Handler's show.

    Also for the record, I am sure that any guy who finds himself in such a position and then chooses to be less than discreet, will be sharing from a position of misguided pride rather than embarrassment.

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  14. At my college graduation, one of the speakers was the newly elected County Clerk (it was a really small town). She was only a little bit older than us so I guess some people knew her "back in the day." After the ceremony, a bunch of us were sitting around drinking and one guy was like, "yeah I totally remember when that chick lost her virginity to ___" That poor woman. She was now holding political office! I was mortified for her.

    Not to scare you or anything.

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  15. Bitch, one time AFTER I was married and had 2 kids this cocksucker that I happened to screw a ***few*** times... LITERALLY walked up to me at the store and says,

    "Didn't we used to fuck?"

    Oh Dear God.

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  16. Hi Paige,

    Hahaha I think this is one kind of fear that a lot of women share the same with (at least those who have some naughty explorations during their wild days.) LOL Totally love your blog! And I'm now a converted follower of yours. hehe

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  17. There is one guy in my life that I consider was well out of my league...do I worry about what his friends think? Hell no!

    I even like to brag about my conquest; I totally get a photo of him out and just say "yeah see him, I DID THAT"

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  18. thismightbewrongist.. um... I don't think I ever traveled that road.. nuttins wrong if you feel good,, made money.. and didn't die.. it's all good..

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  19. Eeeek I totally understand this fear! Avoiding eye contact with people when I'm out & about sometimes helps.

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  20. This is my fear for becoming famous in general. But it's more two ugly dudes I hooked up with in college sitting on a couch in a crowded room, one of them making the announcement, and then a roomful of people realizing that yes, this famous bitch DID stoop that low once.

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  21. That's hillarious! Very funny hehehehe

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