And as any female neophyte, I am the latter. (It’s probably funny cause, it’s probably not true.) I may be the only girl who actually aspires to put out. (but just for the stories I swear!)
So I’d like to begin my stories (I like to call my whoreish personality traits, stories) on a typical Friday morning. I woke up, ate some mayo and meat, shimmied on my black pleather pants and declared to the roommates @ ten a.m.: “I am having sex tonight.”
“I just know I am.”
“Sure you are…”
Now this prediction was more than just a hunch; it’s actually a psychic trait I developed after tripping on some crazy weed. Now I can’t see who it is going to be. I can’t see the exact place. Or the exact time of the actual said sex. I just know I will be having sex at some place, with someone, during some particular point on said day.
I think it’s useful (and honestly no one really believes those people who claim to predict tomorrow’s lottery numbers.)
I am also on a train as I write this entry and I am getting some very interested looks from some geriatric neophytes to my right. (Just thought that had to be stated.)
Any who! I am convinced I am having sex today. Completely convinced. So convinced I was telling everyone I came into contact with.
“Was sup Brundmann! I’m having sex tonight.”
“Good for you., I…will not.”
“Oh we know, Brundmann, We all know.”
People standing by point and laugh @ said professor. As I frolic down the Harrison hallway throwing up fairy dust in search of people who will listen to my latest prediction.
The Breeze runs a special Friday edition reading “WALL WILL SEX!”
Now, the day has turned into night and herds of overly make-upped and under-dressed whores.. I mean freshman, have come out from under their UV tanning beds in search of one thing: boyfriends. These are the girls that think sex equates into a relationship.
You know the type. They sulk near the bathroom in hopes to lure a potential male specimen for 5-15 minutes. This usually the amount of time it takes for the drunk male specimen to realize that he will get laid if he pretends to stay interested for 9 more minutes.
Sorry girls but if you believe sex equals a relationship this you are not only a whore, but a dumb whore @ best. Which falls right below whore, but two steps above fat, ugly, dumb whore. Gosta be smart wit yo sex!
After watching these girls travel the treacherous Port Republic hill ill equipped for their trip into sexual transmitted disease land (Ashby) I am absolutely positive that I am having sex tonight. So positive that I walk into a party, where thus “sex ” is located, by myself. ALONE. I was on a mission and that mission was unprotected sex.
The beer is flowing, BAC’s are lingering at a staggering .407, bodies caressing through the sea of unidentified blobs and this was just the keg line. So I know it’s going to be a good night. If I remember it (I did, don’t worry).
“Sex” is flirting with me. I’m flirting with “Sex.” (And now there is a 3-year old sitting next to me as I write this. Yay…awkward. and the mom is so totally judging! How do you think that child got next to me Mom?!? By hugging?)
Anyways, “Sex ” declares: “We should go inside.” And this drunken sex neophyte (me) quickly agrees. Staggering into a dark stairwell, I had to ask the inevitable.:
“Do you have a condom?”
Now I don’t know what it is about guys and not having condoms. I think subconsciously they think it will jinx them if they do have one, but seriously guys! Take one for the team! We have to deal with everything else. You can buy the goddamn condoms.
But the best part wasn’t that “Sex” didn’t have a condom but the fact that ”Sex” said and I quote: “But my cock is clean I promise.”
Really? Did you scrub it alcohol right before this moment? Cause that’s not really what I wanted to hear.
However, I make bad decisions. I always have and probably always will. I like to blame it on my “fuck it mentality.” But it’s more so because I’m a dumb ass that seems to like putting myself in bad but awkwardly funny situations.
Also, we were practically doing it @ this point so my response was slightly obscured by the dry humping. So I said and I quote:
TO BE CONTINUED.